July 20, 2015 § Leave a comment
Hi. So I keep falling in love with boys. Specifically Youtubers & Band Members. I snog my hand pretending it’s them. I kiss ‘them’ (a stuffie) goodnight. Whenever I’m out places I picture myself as if I’m walking with them. I read fanfiction almost 24/7 and pretend it’s actually happening. Then I’m over him and onto the next in a few months. I realize it’s like smoking—unhealthy. These thoughts are not good for my sanity, plus I’m scared I might touch a guy’s arm or something while I’m daydreaming and not realize. I’m also scared that the next time a boy likes me I’ll go too far since I keep looking for this unrealistic love. Please. I need help. How do I stop doing this to myself? How do I not fall for every new boy?
Liv, I want you to know that making out with your hand is developmentally on point for any teenager, young adult, or congressman. And writing yourself into fic or headcanon isn’t unhealthy either. I have starred in any number of Emmy-winning television shows when I’m trying to fall asleep at night. When I died on LOST, it was SO DAMN MOVING.
Instead of focusing on how famous dude crushes are unrealistic, I want you to think about how your dreams can provide you some valuable information about yourself. So just for a minute, turn your focus onto yourself in these kissy daydreams. What is different about Band Member’s girlfriend Liv and Hand Snogging Liv? Do you see character traits you’d like to embody or improve?
When I think of the daydream version of myself, she’s not just smarter and more successful. She’s also braver, kinder to others, and a lot more easygoing. She doesn’t lurch around muttering sarcastic comments, and she’s not so damn hard on herself. This is a signal to me that these are the character traits I value above all others. Rather than worrying about going cold turkey on the imaginary feels, see how your dreams can generate a map for your own character development. Your plot arc may not have sexy times for a good while, but who cares when YOU’RE SO FUCKING AWESOME?!
We burrow into our imaginations because we’re fangirls, and that is a gift, not a curse. Don’t deny your unicorn nature, and don’t be ashamed that your mind is your greatest coping tool. Rather than pulling out the rug, see what healthy behaviors you can introduce instead. What would it look like if you were making out with LIFE, Liv? When you’re being brave and striving to be the best draft of yourself, you’ll have less time and less need to retreat back into fiction. So trot little unicorn! And let me know how it goes.