Fangirl Therapy

Monday night I was in Brooklyn swooning over one of my very favorite actresses, the talented Amy Ryan. I loved seeing her on stage and absorbing the BAMF energy that was clearly in the room, and it made me start thinking about the types of lady crushes I’ve had over the years. When you think about it, the world right now is ripe for girl crushing. With the vast wasteland of tweets, gifs, and videos that is the Internet, what starts as admiration of a TV character or celebrity can blossom into full-blown mania after a few innocent Google searches.

But not all girl crushes sprout from the same soil, as there is a whole catalog of lady loves out there. The object of your crush reflects where you are in your own life, perhaps stalled at a major turning point or stuck in a social or emotional deficit. Here’s just a smattering of the many types of crushes a fangirl may develop, and what they might say about you.

Emma Pillsbury from Glee was one of my first hairporn crushes. And yes, I still have that Milly sweater hanging in my closet.

The Hairporn Crush – Don’t be fooled by the initial innocence of mooning over a female’s hair, clothing, face, or general appearance. Perhaps the most common type of crush, in many ways it can also be the most devastating. In extreme cases, the admirer may seek to completely imitate and replicate the person’s hairstyle or color or fashion sense. Or she simply might be debilitated with tears. It’s important to remember, however, that your bank account is not Blair Waldorf’s, and that your favorite celebrities have hours of prep before they read their lines. So listen to your girl crush, and don’t be afraid to try something new with your style, but keep it within the realm of reality.

The Mom Crush – A rarer breed of crushing, this one occurs when the fangirl projects unresolved parental attachment onto a celebrity or fictional character. While it can be healthy and even productive to admire the qualities of an older female, it can be quite damaging for a person to pine after a relationship than can never happen. For example, maybe Lorelai Gilmore is the mom you always wanted, but dwelling on a fantasy won’t get you very far. The best cure is to dedicate some time working on your own family relationships, and to develop mutually beneficial female friendships with older women.

The Friend Crush – Fictional characters are often adorable dorks, so it’s no wonder that we sometimes wouldn’t mind adding them to our list of friends. But if you’re over the age of 6 then you’re way past the imaginary friend acceptability window. The best cure for the type of crush is to find a friend who admires the same qualities in an individual and have some adventures together. In other words, turn off the TV and go find the Yang to your Meredith Grey, or the Ann Perkins to your Leslie Knope.

The Ninja Crush – Sometimes we see fictional ladies doing the most badass shit imaginable, like blowing stuff up, or doing magic like whoa. That doesn’t make us necessarily want to join the military or buy a samurai sword, but we need their energy to study for exams or stand up to our bosses. A ninja crush can be a great tool to rev you up in the morning, so if you need to watch Bellatrix Lestrange smoke people or Michonne from The Walking Dead decapitate 27 zombies, then by all means do it. Just figure out what the ninja version of yourself would look like, and be bold.

The Mentor Crush – Sometimes we see an older female character getting shit done and not apologizing for it. Perhaps it’s the way she leans on her desk when lecturing a younger colleague, or the way she dangles her glasses when she’s questioning a witness in court. Or just often it’s the wisdom that floats out of her mouth that makes us stop and take notes. What it says about you? That you need to move out your comfort zone and ask a real woman to be your mentor. Having a real life hero to cheer you on is infinitely better than silently pining over who’s on your DVR.

The Situation Room Crush – Sometimes two or more of these types of crushes can combine, morphing into an insatiable feelings monster. I call this state of being “The Situation Room.” Used in a sentence: “Kathleen can’t hang out with you this week, because she’s in the Situation Room.” Chances are if you girl crush has morphed into obsession, and your real life job is at stake because of all the time you’ve spent creating a fanpage for your idol, then you’re using your crush to managing the anxiety of real life. This means you need to take a step back, find some healthier ways of coping, and even seek professional help if it gets worse.

So listen to your girl crushes, and they will tell you what you need in life. You can always entertain yourself with their great hair and bold moves, but consider what it would mean to start living that reality. You can swoon over ladies, or you can become a lady worthy of swooning.