The Jealous Fangirl

October 5, 2015 § 1 Comment


Julia writes, 

I am addicted to this character called L Lawliet from the anime Death Note. I get jealous with people when they mention him and I get really sad when I don’t know something about him. When I think a lot about it, I get a “fangirl attack”. What should I do?

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The Irrational Fangirl

September 30, 2015 § 2 Comments

If you’re a fangirl, you tend to learn towards the irrational. Don’t believe me? Have you ever had any of these thoughts?

I need [insert actress] to be in this episode or I’ll die. 

Everyone should reblog this post on Tumblr. 

Nobody understands this character the way I do. 

If I don’t make it home for this episode, I’m going to lose it. 


Sure, we joke about these extreme ways of thinking, but they take their toll. You get anxious when you miss a trailer, and you assume the worst when nobody reviews your fanfic in the first 15 minutes. So what do you do?

There’s a form of therapy called REBT that teaches us to change how we think about our thoughts. Sound confusing? Let’s break it down.

  1. Your fangirl thinking influences you more that what actually happens.
  2. So to be less crey, you have to change your thoughts.

How do you change your thinking? You practice your ABCs. Let’s look at an example.

A= Activating Event. Traffic is bad, and you might miss your favorite TV show.

B= Belief. I must watch this TV show live or I will die.

C= Consequence. I feel anxious! OH nOOOOO!


How do you change the consequence? You go back and examine the belief.

D= Dispute belief. Hmm. There were a lot of shows I never watched live, and I still enjoyed them.

and with that, we have

E! More Effective View. I like watching TV live, but I’ll be okay if I miss an episode or two.

When you can adjust your beliefs, you’ll feel less upset when the fangirl world doesn’t quite go your way.

So try it out! What irrational thoughts do you have about the way people act in your fandom or your fanfic? You can still enjoy your unicorn nature without sacrificing your sanity.

The OTP Channel

March 9, 2015 § Leave a comment

DaCupcakePanda writes,

Hi! I ship a load of stuff, but I don’t ship ANY OF THEM as much as Hayffie (Haymitch and Effie from The Hunger Games). Yes, I know what you’re thinking. “Eurgh, not one of those people. Hayffie doesn’t even WORK. It doesn’t make sense!” Well, I can’t argue with you because we all have our different opinions, but I believe they should be canon. My problem is that I need them to be together so much, I can’t think of anything else. When I go to bed, I imagine how they would kiss and say goodnight and blardy blar, so forth and so on. What can I do?

Is blardy blar the new Yada-Yada? I love it.


jj2As fangirls sometimes we forget that people go to bed thinking about things other than what I like to call The OTP Channel. And the reality is that using your imagination is actually a brilliant way to end to the day. I put on an episode of my favorite headcanon, and within ten minutes I’m asleep. I’m not worrying about the day ahead or second-guessing my decisions.

There is brilliance in the blardy blar, DCP. Because you’re accessing your imagination more than the average citizen of Panem, there are all sorts of benefits that keep your brain nice and wrinkly. But the downside is that sometimes the OTP Channel is a 24-hour network. You’d rather watch Hayffie flirt than finish your homework or hang out with friends.


In Catching Fire, Haymitch shares an interesting observation with Katniss and Peeta. From now on, your job is to be a distraction so people forget what the real problems are. And like the star-crossed lovers from District 12, your OTP does exactly that. They distract you.

Humans deal with anxiety in two ways. By distracting, and by engaging it. Neither tactic is bad as long as we use both of them. That means turning off The OTP Channel sometimes. So pastry bear, here’s what I recommend that you do.

Step 1: Pay Attention! Go 24 hours and make a note every time you think about your OTP. Where are you, what are you doing, who’s around you? What thoughts, difficult situations, or responsibilities might you be avoiding?

Step 2: Spend some time in your head. Pick a free moment and set an alarm for 5 minutes. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and pay attention to your thoughts. Don’t judge yourself if they’re negative or they land on your OTP. Just neutrally nudge them aside and focus on breathing and your senses. This is called mindfulness.

Step 3: Make the odds be ever in your favor.  Start taking moments throughout the day where you’d think about your OTP and instead be mindful of what’s around you. Set a reminder on your phone if you have to. Making lunch, showering, sitting in boring staff meetings, and driving to the grocery store are all opportunities to look up and appreciate the sights and sounds around you. To pay attention to what’s making you stressed or worried and to be rational and solution-focused.


aka the voice inside you who doesn’t want you to BAMF

Step 4: Reward yourself with headcanon. The fangirl is an expert at diving deep into her imagination to avoid the real life opportunities snapping their fingers in front of her face. But the fanwoman doesn’t hide behind headcanon. Instead it’s her treat at the end of a long day of BAMF-worthy conquering.

I don’t think you’re one of those people, friend. You’re one of my people, and we’re people who conquer, blardy blar and all. So stay alive, stay focused, and show them something they’ll remember.

Fangirl Dilemma: Sophia’s question

December 3, 2014 § Leave a comment

Sophia asks,

How does fangirling incorporate anxiety?

Sophia, I had to write an entire book to answer this question (coming soon!). But to give you a concise but worthy answer, I’m going to be pulling truths from Robert Sapolsky’s fantastic book, Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers. (A great Christmas present for the neurotics in your life who need to know why freaking out all the time is going to destroy them.)

Fangirls chase after stress. 

gobackThe thing about anxiety, or stress, is that we always assume it’s bad news. But the reality is that just the right amount of stress is delightful. It feels fucking amazing. We wouldn’t watch scary movies or bungee jump if it didn’t. So as fangirls, we are constantly chasing that right amount of stress, that perfect roller coaster of plot or sky dive into OTP feels that keep us happy.

Fangirling is about the anticipation, not the reward. 


Think about your favorite fanfic. What are the moments where you feel the biggest high? Usually they’re the ones right before something happens that makes you hide your little head in your sweatshirt. That’s because in our brains, the biggest bursts of dopamine occur before the reward. And this of course, fuels us to keep reading, or keep watching. This anticipation pumps oxygen and glucose even faster to your brain, which is why you often feel as high as a kite the day your favorite show comes back on the air.

We can’t keep track of our dopamine reserves. 

treatWhen some people finish a great movie or an episode on Netflix, their dopamine levels drop back to normal. But sometimes when a fangirl reads the last sentence of a fic, the reserves in her brain have lost count and dip just a tiny bit below normal. She might even experience sadness or irritability.  So what does she do? She seeks out an even greater level of stimulus to achieve the soaring heights of squee. This is called habituation (aka the reason why I could eventually go from only watching 3 Breaking Bad episodes in a row to watching 6).

We become less sensitive to our obsessions. 

If you bombard your dopamine receptors with Google alerts, fanfiction, gifs, and filmography, they have to compensate, and they do this by becoming less sensitive to the addiction. And instead of wanting to check Tumblr, we need to check Tumblr. Our lives depend on it. They become consumed by it.

Our past and present influence this relationship. 

Our past experiences and environments, even our time in the womb, influence our susceptibility to hairporn. But the immediate anxieties of day-to-day life also play a role. For example, if a rat is exposed to stress immediately before you give him a giant bowl of cocaine, guess what? He’s going to use more of it. Short-term stressors create increases in dopamine, and then the fangirling releases them in huge, crey-filled amounts.

So Sophia, for better or worse, fangirling is one way our brain responds to anxiety. The trick is to introduce as many other alternatives to dealing with stress, like exercising or being mindful, as the ones we choose through fangirling. So rather than cutting off the feels cold turkey, consider the buffet of coping available to you.

Got a fangirl dilemma or question? Ask here.









fangirl dilemma: managing anxiety

November 17, 2014 § Leave a comment

Congrats to Bekka for winning the BAMF necklace giveaway! Bekka, if you could email me your info at, we’ll send it your way.

Now for our fangirl dilemma.

Evey writes,

Thank you for your latest post on anxiety, it made me see not only that I need to undertake some action, but also that I could do it myself! My anxiety has mostly to do with ‘drugs’ like Tumblr and fanfiction and other reading, and I’m going to try and turn off my computer early. Could you please write an example of how you’d proceed from there? I feel like the ‘communicating in a nonreactive manner’ you mention (not only concerning people, but e.g. concerning work, too) is something I need to work on, but I don’t really know how to.

P.S. How does meditating help? Isn’t that a moment when you are not supposed to think at all? How does that solve things?

Thanks Evey. These are such great questions, ones that I’m still trying to figure out myself every day, even as a therapist. But here are a few thoughts.

  • Start small. Delete your Tumblr app for a few days. Stick a post-it on your mirror to remember turn off your computer. Sometimes I leave my phone at home when I walk to the grocery store. ready
  • Communicating in a nonreactive manner looks like establishing one-to-one relationships with others. If this is at work, that means introducing yourself to everyone and making effort to understand people’s goals and their perspectives. That way you’ll be less likely to complain about them to a third person and can approach them directly when you have a problem.
  • And finally, meditation and mindfulness are about paying attention to your thoughts and anxieties in a nonjudgmental way, not wiping your mind clean. So don’t scold yourself if you’re obsessing over a ship, but rather redirect your thoughts to something calming. Never underestimate the power of stopping, taking a few deep breaths, and engaging your five senses.

Easy, right?


Evey, change is slow. and change is lonely. So the best thing you can do for yourself is to enlist a friend, fangirl or not, to join you in your quest. The more you can encourage each other, the more momentum you’ll gain.

It also means introducing positive habits before you pull the plug on all the anxious ones. Maybe I want to eat more spinach than chocolate chip cookies, but having them both in my life is better than living sans plants.  So if you want to spend less time fangirling, figure out what’s as worthy of your attention as a really great headcanon. For me, it’s being around the people who love me and working towards my goals. When the important things are the main course, then fic is just icing on the cake. Thanks for your questions, and let me know how it goes! For everyone else, my ask is always open.

Keep on BAMFin,


Treat Yo Self: Why We Cope the Wrong Way with Anxiety

November 10, 2014 § Leave a comment

These days, “Treat Yo Self” is copinga phrase we all know well whether we’re Parks and Rec fans or not. But I find myself shaking my head when I see posts on social media that talk about coping. All too often, we conflate ways of coping with the practices that actually perpetuate our anxiety.

Netflix marathons and chocolate cake are great, but if you’re only distracting yourself from your anxiety, then sooner or later it’s going to find you like an angry Internet troll.  By definition fangirls tend to be anxious creatures, but that doesn’t mean we have to hang up our headcanon to be a little less reactive to the world around us.

There are three basic ways that humans bind anxiety, and here they are.

DRUGS! Alcohol and illicit drugs are certainly one way we cope with chronic and acute anxiety. But anything can be a drug if you repeat the behavior enough.  Therefore many of our fangirl behaviors hijack the brain just like drugs. Not sure whether you’re using fangirling to manage your anxiety? Here are a few hints.

  • Checking social media obsessively.
  • Vigilant monitoring of celebrity’s activity (27 Google alerts, constant tweeting, going to extreme lengths to obtain video or photos).
  • Impairing relationships, work or school progress because of fangirling. If you can’t miss an episode of your favorite show from time to time or can’t get your work done because of your fanfic, then this is a problem.

fangirl dopamine

RELATIONSHIPS! People use their relationships as a way of managing their stress and anxiety. Love and friendship are beautiful things, but when you lose “self” in them (i.e. you’re unable to separate your identify from the other person’s), then it’s only a temporary fix to the anxiety. You’re likely to experience other physical and emotional symptoms in the long run. Here is what managing anxiety with relationships might look like.

  • Sacrificing values or principles to fit in with a group.
  • Acting out of fear of losing a relationship.
  • Seeking constant praise and approval from others.
  • Involving a third person to complain about other relationships.
  • Cutting off a family member because the anxiety of dealing with them is too high.

Drugs and relationships are about distracting ourselves from our anxiety. But there is a third way, and it’s called

SITTING WITH IT! At least in the short term, anxiety won’t kill you. It’s unpleasant and uncomfortable, but sometimes just sitting with it can provide us with valuable information about ourselves. Engaging our reactivity rather than pushing it aside is how we grow into mature, nonreactive adults. Sitting with your anxiety might look like this.

  • Practicing mindfulness and meditating.
  • Turning your computer off early before you go to bed.tumblr_ndrsmacG2a1qc1f8uo7_250
  • Not checking your phone when you’re stopped at a red light.
  • Standing up for yourself in an uncomfortable situation.
  • Exploring your unhealthy coping with a mental health professional.
  • Practicing communicating with difficult people in a nonreactive manner.

Not don’t get me wrong. It’s fine to treat yourself with a glass of wine at the end of a long day or call a friend when you need to talk to someone. The goal isn’t to stop distracting yourself–this is an evolutionary mechanism that helps us get through the trials of life.  The goal is to start engaging your anxiety in addition to those distractions. That way when you do dive into fictional worlds, it’s more about taking a vacation than escaping your mind like a refugee rushing for the border.

Not sure where to start? My ask is always open.

Also a reminder that you can still enter the BAMF necklace giveaway until Wednesday evening!

fangirl dilemma: oh the feels

August 21, 2014 § Leave a comment

Ph. Don’tknowwhattodo asks,

I recently discovered your site and am grateful for the work you’re doing.  It has shown me how many ways there are to fangirl over something or someone.  For me, a lesbian at odds with the paucity of diverse female representation in media, fangirling has been a way to find representation via subtext.  Yes, it’s cathexis, yes, it’s a way to negotiate desire (especially at times in my life when I’ve been less than comfortable with my own identity), and hell yes it’s about finding heroes.  Smart girls, brave girls, strong girls.  I can understand all this on an intellectual level, and even be OK with the fact that I am a grown professional who spends way too much time on Tumblr.

What I am not as OK with is the feels.  They are impossible to describe to someone who does not experience them.  How is it possible to be emotionally mature (as I strive to be) and still have an uncontrollable crush on a fictional character?  Your advice to channel this energy into productive real-world pursuits in most welcome.  But oh, the pain of it.  Objectively, I know that it is a little bit nuts to swoon over Maura Isles.  Rizzoli and Isles is not even a very good show!  And yet here I am.  Fangirling.  Help.

Oh the feels. I’ll never forget the time I led a therapy group not realizing I had written “feels” on a whiteboard instead of “feelings” until afterwards. Super professional am I.

Feels are a lovely, affordable, and physically safe high when you think of all the other nefarious activities we could doing in search of a delicious rush of emotion.


I wish I could bottle up the feels I get around Day 6 into a new TV lady crush and use them on days I feel down. The air smells sweeter, I’m lighter on my feet, and I’m grinning like an idiot.

But that initial dose of feels turns into a ravenous monster the longer you go. It takes more viewing, more ficwriting, more headcanon, more gifing to reach the high as your tolerance increases. It becomes a painful chore as we carry the obsession on our back throughout the day.

Unfortunately, there’s no cure for the feels, my friend. But you can pay attention to what they tell you. 90% of the time when our feels don’t burn out after the first few weeks like a supernova of hairporn, they serve a purpose. And this purpose is usually to disengage or distract us from our own anxieties.

So the best way to tackle feels isn’t to delete all your Sasha pics. It’s taking inventory of your life right now. You seem like a super professional lady, so there’s sure to be some stressors in your life. What are they? Attack them. Engage them. Cope positively. The more you face anxieties head on, the less your mind will need to check out via the nearest ladyBAMF. You can squeeflail like a crazy woman when you need to, but you won’t carry the feels around like a 350 pound gorilla. It’ll be more like a tiny organ grinder monkey with a top hat. Way more manageable.

Enjoy your feels lady! But enjoy the rest of life as well. When you take care of business and your brain, the rest is icing on the cake.

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