Fangirl Therapy

I talk a lot about the fangirl brain on this site, so it’s only fair that I give you guys a peek into my own. On Monday I had the honor of seeing THE QUEEN HERSELF, Christine Baranski, at the Public Theater in NYC with my fangirl friend Lauren.

Christine participated in a variety of readings and discussion about another queen, Cleopatra. And I promptly died. Here are 27 thoughts I had during the performance, because 27 is a great number.

DEAR. SWEET. LORD. SHE IS GONNA COME UP OUT OF THAT DOOR LIKE BOTTICELLI’S VENUS. I’M NOT READY. I’M FINE. I’M NOT FINE.

WHAT IF MERYL SHOWS UP? WHAT IF SHE SHOWS UP AND I WATCH MERYL STREEP WATCHING CHRISTINE BARANSKI? WOULD THE UNIVERSE COLLAPSE ON ITSELF?

WHAT IF JULIANNA SHOWS UP? WHAT IF ARCHIE AND JULIANNA SHOW UP AND IT’S SUPER AWKWARD AND WE ALL DIE FROM AWKWARDNESS? OH GOD I HOPE NO ONE SHOWS UP?

OHHHHHH NO. SHE IS A PERSON. WE’RE IN THE SAME ROOM IN THE SAME SOLAR SYSTEM AND SHE IS A PERSON AND NOT A TV MIRAGE.

WELP, WHO CARES ABOUT WHAT ANYONE IS SAYING CAUSE I’M GONNA STUDY THIS WOMAN’S EVERY GESTURE FOR THE NEXT TWO HOURS.

SHE KEEPS BRUSHING HER SUPER PERFECT UNICORN-TEAR STYLED HAIR BACK WITH HER FINGERS TO MURDER ME SPECIFICALLY.

SHE’S WEARING GLASSES BECAUSE GOD IS REAL.

WHYYYYYY IS SHE ROLLING HER WATERBOTTLE UP INSIDE HER SWEATER LIKE A KANGAROO. UNANTICIPATED GOOBER FEELINGS. S.O.S.

SHE KEEPS TOUCHING THE CORNERS OF HER LIPS. HER NAILS ARE SILVER JUST LIKE DIANE LOCKHART. IS DIANE LOCKHART REAL? CAN THE GAY MEN AT OUR TABLE SEE THE TINY MUSHROOM CLOUDS IN MY EYEBALLS?

SHE’S MOUTHING ALONG TO OTHER PEOPLE’S LINES. THIS IS SO INTENSE. SHE’S SO ELEGANT. I’M SO VERY FUCKED.

WHO IS THIS LUMINESCENT ANGEL QUEEN?

WHY IS THAT WOMAN INTERRUPTING CHRISTINE??? LISTEN UP FIVE, A TEN IS SPEAKING.

I SHOULD PROBABLY KEEP DRINKING.

NOW I HAVE TO PEE. BUT WHAT IF SHE LOOKS AT ME WHEN I GET UP TO LEAVE AND WE MAKE EYE CONTACT. WHAT IF MERYL’S IN THE BATHROOM? WHAT DO YOU SAY TO MERYL STREEP WHEN YOU’RE DRYING YOUR HANDS?

OH GOD, SHE SAID SOMETHING SMART. OH SHE’S SO SMART. THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST.
SHE’S THE LAST CLEOPATRA. SHE’S THE SHAKESPEARE CLEOPATRA. THIS MAKES ME THINK OF MISS FISHER AND JACK ROBINSON. DAMMIT KATHLEEN, FOCUS! ONE SITUATION AT A TIME.

IF MARYANNE THORPE WERE CLEOPATRA, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE WOULD SOUND LIKE.

EVERYONE ON THE STAGE IS UNICORN STARING AT HER. GOOD JOB EVERYONE.

OH GOD THE GLASSES ARE COMING OFF.

OH GOD SHE FINALLY SWOOPED HER BANGS OVER THE TOP OF HER HEAD.

SHE JUST TOOK THE FOCUS OFF OF HER BY SAYING HOW GREAT CUSH IS. OF COURSE YOU WOULD DO THAT, CHRISTINE. OF COURSE YOU WOULD. LIFTING UP OTHER LADIES. KILL ME NOW.

OH NO IT’S OVER. BUT IF I SCREAM RIGHT NOW WE COULD MAKE EYE CONTACT. DO. NOT. SCREAM.

IT’S OVER. I SHOULD TAKE A PIC. GOD, APPLE, WHY IS YOUR LOAD SCREEN SO SLOW. WHYYYYYYYYY. NOOOOOOOO.

OKAY I’M FINE. PICTURES CAN’T CAPTURE HER. SHE IS EVERYTHING.