Enigma of Feels
March 30, 2015 § Leave a comment
Mrs. Imitating writes,
I watched The Imitation Game and fell in love (and deep pain) with the movie. And I’ve been having the Feels (there are still movie fangirls, right?). I cry because anything reminds me about the movie. It’s just shaken me and I love it, but I think about it too much. It’s stuck in my head (the sad scenes mostly), and it’s making me confused! Help!
Friend, I absolutely can give you some advice. But in the spirit of the story, you’ll have to decode it first! Or just click here if you’re not up to the challenge.
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Bonanza!
March 23, 2015 § 1 Comment
*cough click play cough*
Sarah writes,
I fell in love with Adam Cartwright when I was eight. I am significantly older now, but still in love. With the internet, I’ve discovered Bonanza fan fiction and streaming old Bonanza episodes. I mean really! It’s embarrassing. Is this OK? How much is too much? I’m a published novelist, and it interferes with my plotting! I have an app that blocks my access during work hours, but I still think about it! My husband thinks I’m insane, so I have to hide my fangirling from him. I used to feel the same way about Paul Simon, but I appear to have grown out of that.
Let me just start by sending a giant thank you to my grandparents for never turning the TV off for a single second of my childhood. Because of them, Sarah, I am a 29-year-old woman who has spent more time on the Pond
erosa than dare I say any other millennial on the planet. I guess being able to answer your question is worth having to put up with all those hours of Judge Judy blasting at 700,000 decibels. Maaaaybe.
How much is too much? The fact that you have to hide the behavior from your spouse tells me that you might have already wandered into that territory. The problem with fangirling is that it is a bonanza. The word is defined as “a source of sudden wealth or great luck,” and boy do we feel like we’ve struck gold when we find a fic archive or a streaming site that feeds the beast. But like anyone who wins the lottery, we struggle to manage the wealth.
To me, there’s a difference between what I call “selective sharing” about fangirling in relationships and blatant deception. For example, if your significant other asks why you’re in a good mood, you don’t need to say, “Because these idiots on my TV screen just kissed, so excuse me as I barf rainbows riding into the sunset of creys on my unicorn.” Maybe just go for, “Something really exciting happened on my show this week.” Or “I’m reading the best fanfiction, so just ignore me if I grin like an idiot for no apparent reason.”
So that being said, you don’t need to give your husband the plot points of the fic that you’re reading before bed. But if you’re spending vast amounts of time in fangirl world and have to lie about what you’ve been up to or why you’re spinning around in circles in a feels frenzy, then it can be problematic for any relationship. Like any addict, we lie to ourselves first before we start lying to others. We become masters at avoiding the truth, distorting reality to justify our behavior to our loved ones.
It sounds like you’re not lying to yourself about how your Cartwright feels are interfering with your own writing, and you have already taken some solid steps to separate work from play. Maybe take a break from Bonanza, or even go on an Internet fast? I know that a weekend free of technology always helps my creative juices, so consider leaving Adam back at the ranch for a few days.
Above all Sarah, never ever feel ashamed about being a fanwoman. There is no show too old, too new, too anything, that should make you feel embarrassed about wanting to dig a little deeper into the story. I’m sure your capacity for imagination has served you well as a writer, so it’s normal to feed the fire from time to time. Just make sure it’s contained, so the whole Ponderosa doesn’t go up in smoke. And if your husband just doesn’t quite get it, tell him he can buy a copy of Fangirl Therapy in 2016! Published by Perigee Books/Penguin. Huzzah!
Starting From Scratch
March 12, 2015 § 2 Comments
It’s All In My Head writes,
I have a huge problem. I thought of the idea for a book about a year ago, and I’ve been writing for a long time now. It helped me through some really terrible times in my life throughout this year. I feel like the characters are family and they are my little secret. I love writing but recently my computer drive crashed and I lost just about everything. After learning that I will not be able to get my progress back I broke down. I’ve been crying and listening to sad music. No one gets why it would be so important, but it think you might be able to help. Is it all in my head? Should I really care this much?
I’m reminded of sitting on the campus green as a freshman, listening to an upperclassman tell the horror story of the doc student who saved his entire dissertation on a single neon floppy disk. But you probably don’t even know what a floppy disk is But let’s take this in a different direction shall we?
There’s a lot of lost work out there, either due to the passing of time, negligence of the author, or crazy spouses. Or because some idiot maid thought that randomly tossing a large stack of papers into the fire was a GREAT idea. Robert Louis Stevenson torched draft one of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde when his wife criticized it. Dramatic, much?
You can’t do anything about the work you lost, but you can change your perspective. Have you ever read Little Women (or watched the movie)? When Amy is caught trading limes at school (what the hell does that even mean), she has to be homeschooled by Jo. Oh so bummed out, Jo doesn’t bring her little sister to the theater with her, and Amy tosses her manuscript into the fire. There’s a lot of screaming and crying, and then Jo almost lets her sister drown when they’re ice skating.
What I’m trying to say here is that having sisters is fucking horrible one fangirl’s loss is also an opportunity. In the end, Jo ends up writing a new book that’s way better than that angsty shit she was so bent on. You can always come back to your fictional family, whether they’re saved on your hard drive or not. Because like you said, it is all in your head. But not in the negative sense. Nothing can take those stories from you. There is nothing wrong with caring too much about what you created. Nobody wants to read a novel written by someone emotionally detached from their characters. It’s about whether your passion pushes you forward or keeps you stuck in the same place.
So before you return to what was lost, I’d like to challenge you to try something new. Open yourself to the possibility that there are new characters who’d like to introduce themselves to you. Or that maybe your own story or the stories of those around you are worth writing about. Maybe your previous writing was the dress rehearsal for the brilliant story that’s just waiting to leap out of your mind. Scream. Shout. Cry. Don’t drown your sister. Do whatever you need to grieve this loss. But don’t forget to perch your fingers over the keyboard and listen. If your mind can give you such a priceless gift, then who says it can’t do it again? Lightning never strikes twice in the same place, so start walking in a new direction.
I want to do something splendid…something heroic or wonderful that won’t be forgotten after I’m dead. I don’t know what, but I’m on the watch for it and mean to astonish you all someday. – Louisa May Alcott, Little Women
The OTP Channel
March 9, 2015 § Leave a comment
DaCupcakePanda writes,
Hi! I ship a load of stuff, but I don’t ship ANY OF THEM as much as Hayffie (Haymitch and Effie from The Hunger Games). Yes, I know what you’re thinking. “Eurgh, not one of those people. Hayffie doesn’t even WORK. It doesn’t make sense!” Well, I can’t argue with you because we all have our different opinions, but I believe they should be canon. My problem is that I need them to be together so much, I can’t think of anything else. When I go to bed, I imagine how they would kiss and say goodnight and blardy blar, so forth and so on. What can I do?
Is blardy blar the new Yada-Yada? I love it.
BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO?
As fangirls sometimes we forget that people go to bed thinking about things other than what I like to call The OTP Channel. And the reality is that using your imagination is actually a brilliant way to end to the day. I put on an episode of my favorite headcanon, and within ten minutes I’m asleep. I’m not worrying about the day ahead or second-guessing my decisions.
There is brilliance in the blardy blar, DCP. Because you’re accessing your imagination more than the average citizen of Panem, there are all sorts of benefits that keep your brain nice and wrinkly. But the downside is that sometimes the OTP Channel is a 24-hour network. You’d rather watch Hayffie flirt than finish your homework or hang out with friends.
In Catching Fire, Haymitch shares an interesting observation with Katniss and Peeta. From now on, your job is to be a distraction so people forget what the real problems are. And like the star-crossed lovers from District 12, your OTP does exactly that. They distract you.
Humans deal with anxiety in two ways. By distracting, and by engaging it. Neither tactic is bad as long as we use both of them. That means turning off The OTP Channel sometimes. So pastry bear, here’s what I recommend that you do.
Step 1: Pay Attention! Go 24 hours and make a note every time you think about your OTP. Where are you, what are you doing, who’s around you? What thoughts, difficult situations, or responsibilities might you be avoiding?
Step 2: Spend some time in your head. Pick a free moment and set an alarm for 5 minutes. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and pay attention to your thoughts. Don’t judge yourself if they’re negative or they land on your OTP. Just neutrally nudge them aside and focus on breathing and your senses. This is called mindfulness.
Step 3: Make the odds be ever in your favor. Start taking moments throughout the day where you’d think about your OTP and instead be mindful of what’s around you. Set a reminder on your phone if you have to. Making lunch, showering, sitting in boring staff meetings, and driving to the grocery store are all opportunities to look up and appreciate the sights and sounds around you. To pay attention to what’s making you stressed or worried and to be rational and solution-focused.
aka the voice inside you who doesn’t want you to BAMF
Step 4: Reward yourself with headcanon. The fangirl is an expert at diving deep into her imagination to avoid the real life opportunities snapping their fingers in front of her face. But the fanwoman doesn’t hide behind headcanon. Instead it’s her treat at the end of a long day of BAMF-worthy conquering.
I don’t think you’re one of those people, friend. You’re one of my people, and we’re people who conquer, blardy blar and all. So stay alive, stay focused, and show them something they’ll remember.
Power Poses Revamped
February 25, 2015 § Leave a comment
Body language impacts your brain and your personality. Amy Cuddy’s TED Talk highlighted this reality a few years ago. But why limit yourself to the same boring Wonder Woman pose? There is an endless choreography of BAMF poses you can try to feel more powerful. Here are a few.
1. The Commander
Huddle your troops with this move.
Everything the light touches is your kingdom.
2. The BAMF Lean
Enlighten hapless coworkers with your chair prop.
Add an over-the-glasses peer to strike terror.
3. The One-Arm
A versatile move that’s good for lecturing.
For AP BAMFing, try the one-arm-hair-flip-glasses-dangle.
4. The Merkel
You just stick your hand out to stop a dood from being wrong.
“Look at you being so wrong in your wrongness.”
5. The Couch Arm
Words are inadequate.
Remember, when it comes to power poses, take it slow.
It’s not about how you look but how you’ll feel as you conquer.
*For more inspiration, check out my friend’s tumblr or angelamerkeldealingwithpeople.tumblr.com.
The Walking Creys
February 19, 2015 § Leave a comment
SongbirdShot writes,
I am an avid fan of The Walking Dead and am unable to take these character deaths. Beth was the girl I saw myself in (she was as emotionally unstable as I am) and Tyreese was like my Dad. Is it wrong for me to form such emotional bonds with fictional characters? Don’t even get me started on Teen Wolf or Harry Potter. How does one deal with such traumatic experiences?
Oh lady. Some of us are particularly unlucky in fangirl love because we always choose favorite characters who die (Andreeaaaaaa). Back when I first finished Battlestar Galactica, my roommate probably thought I sounded like a dying racoon through the wall.
Losses in the fiction
al world strike a chord in our hearts because that character was doing something right. Something so special-snowflake-right that their death is able to reach into our reality and jerk us through the TV screen or the page of a book. And in that moment, they are real.
I suggest you find a fellow fangirl or a sympathetic friend and talk about their lives. Write down the qualities you admire in the character. Go out and volunteer in a fictional character’s memory. Don’t just reblog gruesome gifs on Tumblr and sit there drowning DiCaprio style in your own feels. Sometimes you gotta climb on a floating cello and save yourself.
Surviving character deaths make the fangirl frakking resilient. So I want to challenge you to take a risk in Beth’s honor, and do something brave you never thought you could do. If you can take your emotions and generate real action, the impact will be less traumatic and more fulfilling for your own narrative.
The world might not be full of zombies, but it is swarming with herds of haters and negative voices aimed to stop you in your tracks. This is not your Terminus, friend. Don’t be the extra who gets distracted or distraught. Be the bright spot in a world gone bad, like Beth or Tyreese. Their stories may be over, but yours is just getting started.
The Fangirl Resume
February 11, 2015 § 4 Comments
Amalia writes,
Hi. I have a problem with what career should I choose as a Fangirl. Can you help me?
Hai Amalia. Let me be your fangirl guidance counselor. Like Emma Pillsbury, I too have career advice and an unreasonable amount of enamel flower brooches.
Obligatory Glee Joke.
Fangirls make great employees. I’ve been saying this for years on social media while I avoid my work. Our skills include:
- Googling. You cannot hide. We will find your email address and everything about you and encrypt our IP address. I’m not in Wales. Or am I? Muhahaha.
- Staying current. We know everything that happens the moment it happens. God Facebook, that was 3 weeks ago.
- Memorization. You want to know what happened in episode 3×13? Take a seat son.
- Crisis management. I made it through work today after a Good Wife promo was released with Diane Lockhart wearing a camo hoodie and a tiny fur hat. Look me in the eye and tell me that’s not a skill.
- 100% dedication. We will ride a sinking ship into the depths of an ocean canyon. We will stick with a show 7 seasons after a shark sails over the entire plot. Our loyalty rivals Hufflepuffdom.
Who wouldn’t want these skills in a future employee? Who needs social skills or basic time management when you have 100% DEDICATION, Amalia.
But let’s get serious. The reality is that a fangirl can be anything she wants. If her passion for a screencap is unrivaled, then imagine how far her dedication to a real cause will go? Here are a few tips you should take away.
1. Fictional jobs are not real life jobs. Surgeons are not having sex in the break room like they do on Grey’s Anatomy. Crime scene investigators are not flying around in helicopters. Professors aren’t flipping their chairs backwards to give impromptu library lectures in tweeds. Vampire slayers are not . . . well they probably are. Fiction can be a great starting point for brainstorming career ideas, but you’ve got to throw yourself into a real world environment first to see if you like it.
2. Practice getting rejected. Amalia, if you want to be successful, you have to become immune to the word “No.” Fear of rejection or failure should never be a reason not try something new or ask for an opportunity. I get many “No’s” from editors every week, and it keeps my skin thick. Your favorite character has probably failed at many tasks, so use him or her for inspiration in your journey. The sooner you can get comfortable with rejection, the faster you’ll progress in your career.
3. Find a real life BAMF. Fictional people are easy to summon for career courage. What would Laura Roslin do? is a question I ask myself daily. But I also have had mentors with skin who can give good advice and encourage me along the way. Find someone in a career you might like and ask them to be your mentor. You’ll be surprised how willing people are to share the knowledge they wished they had when they were your age.
Above all, Amalia, remember that you can change your career whenever you want. Sure you might have to keep the same day job to pay the rent, but as fangirls, our passions are constantly changing. So why should our hopes and dreams be any different? I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but I’m having a hell of a time figuring it out.
Finally, I’ll leave you with the immortal words of Diane Lockhart, because they work way better than mine.
When the door you’ve been knocking at finally swings open, you don’t ask why. You run through.
Fangirl Spotlight: Lauren
February 4, 2015 § 1 Comment
A few months back I stumbled across a tumblr page and said to myself, “I need to know this human.” Every fangirl loves television, but very few are courageous enough to make the leap into the industry. Lauren is a lady whose unabashed admiration for BAMFs and A+ TV has translated into a burgeoning career for her 23-year-old self, and she was kind enough to let me interview her for the fangirl spotlight.
Meet Lauren!
K: How did you become a fangirl?
K: Yeah folks, keep it classy. So no pressure, but what is the best episode of television your eyeballs have ever watched?
L: I am weeping. This question is worse than a parent having to pick a favorite child. Comparing 30 Rock to House of Cards would be like comparing apples to cardigans. I will argue that The West Wing’s “Two Cathedrals” has some of the most remarkable monologues I have ever seen. Orphan Black’s cinematography in the second season cannot be beat. The Good Wife’s “Hitting the Fan” just kills it in acting, pacing, plot, and score. Parks and Recreation has me cackling like an idiot each and every week because I find it so funny. The other night I watched episode 201 of House of Cards and almost literally lost my mind over what had happened in the episode. Can I plead the fifth for this?
L: As a writer, I try to remain cryptic when it comes to sharing pilot ideas, but I will say that I aspire to write a show about family. I come from a crazy, wonderful, dramatic, and hilarious family who have provided me with two decades worth of material. I also would love to create a TV show that passes the Bechdel Test. I love strong badass women and it would be a dream to create a show with lots of strong and diverse Lady BAMFs that will inspire people.
L: I have definitely sat on my couch passively watching exercise videos before without actually partaking in the fitness. Once while at a bar in New York with my colleagues from NBC, a perfectly nice boy asked if he could buy me a drink. The thing is, I already had a drink. I politely declined. Meanwhile, I was starving and wished he would’ve offered to buy me food instead. The third being that I interned in Studio 8H, the SNL studio, while in college. I would say that’s pretty Liz Lemon, yeah?K: Any wisdom for a fangirl who’s not sure she’s got what it takes to translate her fangirl passions into a career?
L: For me, I gain inspiration from Lady BAMFs — specifically ones that work in my field. I look at Tina Fey, Shonda Rhimes, Amy Poehler, Emily Mortimer, and dozens other women making waves in the entertainment industry and think about their positive attributes that allow them to succeed. They’re passionate, wicked smart, have remarkable amounts of perseverance, and are unafraid to create content and put it out into the world. I find myself constantly thinking “what would ______ do in this situation?” and try to push myself to be half as good as these remarkable women.
My advice for the younger fangirl trying to turn her passions into a career is to find the people that inspire them. Find people they can connect to who make them want to be better and do better. Fangirls are passionate for a reason. It’s just a matter of taking that energy and excitement and channeling it in a productive way. Sometimes having that role model can ground a person, put their goal into perspective, and then set them on the right track.
K: God I feel like we’re in fangirl church right now. What are you doing twenty years from now? What fictional characters will you still be crying over?
What am I doing twenty years from now? I will be the Executive Producer of a 30 Rock reboot, probably, because the only person Tina Fey would trust with that kind of content and commitment is just another awkward brunette from Philly who isn’t afraid to shotgun a pizza or binge-watch Star Wars. On the weekends I will spend my time watching TV on some futuristic streaming service that plays directly out of my eyeballs.
The Fandom Runner
January 26, 2015 § 3 Comments
The Maze Runner writes,
HELP!!! I have recently started reading The Maze Runner and started fangirling over it. I’m only half way through the book, but I have already fell in love with the cast in the movie, especially this one actor and he is becoming a real life-ruiner. I have been reading constantly and recently lost some sleep over it. This is the first real fandom I have been in where I’m afraid it will take over my life. How do I obsess less while still enjoying the book and eventually the movie?
Oh boy. When you think about it, fandom is a lot like The Maze. Only fewer doods. One day you wake up and find that you’ve been flung up an emotional elevator into uncharted territory. You have no other memories except your Tumblr url. Like the Glade, fandom is a precariously balanced society teetering on the edge of chaos at any point. So how the hell do you get out? I think you know the answer to that.
“Obsessing less” isn’t really an option my friend. Either you obsess, or you don’t. And getting through the maze of life-ruining emotions and anxieties is no tricky feat, but it can be done. Here are a few strategies I might suggest.
Follow your anxiety. What are the Grievers in your life? What’s your worst fear? What stresses you out day-to-day? You might have to get close to them and even take a sting or two to gain some insight about your habits. The more tuned in your stressors you are, the less you’ll use obsession with Alby and the gang to calm yourself down.
Make fandom about reward, not escape. Teach yourself to associate reading your favorite fic or watching your favorite movie with getting shit done. You should be participating in fandom because you had a successful day, not to avoid having one. If you escape into fiction every day because you want to escape something scary, then you’ll dig yourself deeper and deeper. And it’ll take less and less over time to make you run.
Take courage from fiction. What is the moral of The Maze Runner in your opinion? That we’re all f**ked in dystopian scenarios? I think the message of the series is that we can accomplish anything with enough persistence. Thomas and the other runners couldn’t learn the maze in a single day. Bit by bit, they began to piece together a map of where they were headed.
Life is exactly the same way, friend. The gates open, and you start running all over again. Each day you take a little more with you, and make it a little farther than the last. Beating our obsessions works just like that. Every day I show up and try and be a little more of a fanwoman than I was the day before. I might slip, and I might get stung, but I’m a little freer today than I was the day before.
Big Girls Don’t Cry
January 20, 2015 § Leave a comment
Rose writes, As of late, I have slowly been growing more and more attached to the movie Jersey Boys. I have such an appreciation for the movie and characters that is growing so quickly, it’s begun to interfere with my life. Do you have any ideas as to how I can control this overwhelming desire to break out into song, and to stop fangirling over thoughts about my ships, while I’m trying to do my daily routine?
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER ROSE. But don’t you dare feel ashamed about the overwhelming desire to break out into song. People who don’t like musicals are dead inside. They are too busy watching NCIS: Fort Wayne or whatever to realize how horrible they are. I mean there are countless health benefits to breaking out into song. Bernadette Peters is basically immortal at this point. I mean look at her. What the actual fuck.
Your problem isn’t Frankie Valli, Rose. The problem is that you’re not making Frankie work for you. Is there a way you can incorporate some of your interests to motivate you in your daily routine? Can you slap a screencap on a checklist and give yourself gold stars? Use fic or your hairbrush solo as a reward? The other strategy would be to really look at what this obsession can tell you about yourself. Is it a distraction from self-doubt about a goal you have, or is it pointing towards something you really, really want Rose? If we spent as much time listening to our creys as we do flailing about, we might really learn something. It always feels nice to obsess in the moment, butttttt 
There’s a time to dance around like an idiot, and there’s a time for shipping. But there’s also a time for reality. When Jersey Boys swept Broadway, Ben Brantley at The New York Times wrote this. “Everything that has led up to that curtain call feels, for just a second, as real and vivid as the sting of your hands clapping together.” As corny as it sounds, I’m going to ask you this: what if you started living your life like there was a curtain call at the end of every day? Like the success of a thousand middle-aged white people’s evenings depended on you being brave and giving it your best effort? What would that be like? Big girls cry sometimes, Rose. But they also get shit done. So have at it.
Fangirl Therapy 