Fantasy Fangirl Roster

August 28, 2015 § 1 Comment

It’s almost fall, and you know what that means, ladies. The air turns crisp, you ingest more Starbucks calories, and on Sunday nights we gather around the ceremonial pizza as our favorite players take the field. Yes, I’m talking about TELEVISION. *high-fives you*

My boyfriend recently joined a fantasy football league with coworkers, and during our discussion about how the game works, I had the best idea. WHAT IF THERE WAS A FANGIRL VERSION OF FANTASY FOOTBALL? Yes that’s right. Fangirl Fantasy Football. A serious fangirl is keeping stats and stacking her TV roster with only the BAMFiest of ladies. Points could be awarded for creys-inducement, badassery, hilarity, hair, and any other situation-inducing scenes.

Who would you pick to be on your roster? Here’s mine for the 2015-2016 season.

CREYS QUEEN – Laurie Garvey

FOR TV - THE LEFTOVERS - HBO - Amy Brenneman. Photo credit: Paul Schiraldi/HBO.

FOR TV – THE LEFTOVERS – HBO – Amy Brenneman. Photo credit: Paul Schiraldi/HBO.

I’m still stomping around Twitter trying to get people to watch HBO’s The Leftovers. Though this suburban mom turned cult member didn’t utter a single word the first half of season 1, Laurie Garvey was one of the most compelling characters on the show. You’d think that a mother who abandoned her children in the wake of the apocalypse is the least sympathetic character imaginable, but Amy Brenneman plays it like a superstar and sucks your tears right out of your face. WATCH THIS SHOW YOU GUYS. WATCH IT. I’M CRYING ALREADY CAUSE YOU WON’T. WHYYYYYY. DON’T TOUCH ME.

THE UNDERDOG – Edith Crawley


I’ve never been an Edith fan. Especially since she stole a baby 17 times last season and almost burned down the house. I can’t wait until Season 6 starts up next month and she inadvertently causes The Great Depression, World War II, and Firefly’s premature cancellation. But a good underdog earns those points when they skyrocket from the out of nowhere, so I’m counting on Julian Fellowes (who loves to pair everyone off tidily) to hand her a few bones this season and maybe a love interest who doesn’t die or chicken out.

The HBIC – Nadine Tolliver


You know I’m a Cheers fan, so I’ve been loving me some Bebe since I entered the birth canal. I’m less convinced by the unrealistic dish washing Secretary of State in Elizabeth McCord and more interested in the BAMF moves that her Chief of Staff can show us this season. Maybe she’ll lean on conference tables and shout at people. A girl can dream.

THE NEWBIE – Chrisjen Avasarala


YOU GUYS. If you’re not excited about the critically acclaimed Expanse sci-fi series coming to Syfy this December, then GET EXCITED. Cause LADY BAMF ahoy. It’s not secret that I’m a fan of the 63 year olds (Mary Hairnado McDonnell, Motherfucking Baranski), and I’m happy to add another one to my list. Shohreh Aghdashloo plays Chrisjen Avasarala, the U.N. Deputy Undersecretary of Executive Administration. Which is a really long title for BAMFS….IN….SPAAAAACE.

The Ninja – Michonne 

Every good roster needs its Ninja, the athletic and insightful powerhouse that provides all ass-kicking entertainment. Chopping heads off like WHOA with her Katana, she’ll be earning those baddassery points faster than you can shout, CARLLLL!” More like Ninja of my heart.

“Special” Teams Unicorn – Elsbeth Tascioni

The Good wife

I know this is not a surprise to anyone who has every met me. When you bring your special teams onto the field, the guest stars have to guarantee that Emmy nom. And who better to secure that spot in the finals than Ms. Carrie Preston herself, comedienne extraordinaire, and her quirky genius character. My only prayer is that she fangirls a little over Diane and I can live vicariously through her.

And finally, our fictional QB. . . *drum roll please*

THE MEGABAMF – Dana Katherine “She’s a Fucking Medical Doctor” Scully


Are you surprised? I’m three seasons into the X-Files, and I cannot wait to see what our beloved DKS will be like as a middle-aged powerhouse. Also PRAISE BE for an updated wardrobe and no beige pantsuits from 1995. Let’s see if Duchovs can keep up with our MEGABAMF as Gillian portrays her.  I’M FINE. NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

So these are my picks! Sure I’ve got my old faves on the bench, like Queen Lockhart and Elsie “Suppose a Bomb Goes Off In My Heart” Hughes, but I’m starting with some newbies and some MVPs.

Let me know who would be on your roster via Twitter or email! Then let’s get out there and play some crey. You bring the beer, and I’ll bring the giant sweatshirts to hide our faces.

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