Girl Crush Guardian

January 6, 2016 § 2 Comments


Girl in the UK writes,

My issue is that my girl-crush is gaining in profile and popularity, particularly with one upcoming role. With this increase in attention comes bitchiness from gossip sites and people who disapprove of her casting in the upcoming role. Naturally, this makes me indescribably furious, to the extent that I have researched ways to hack and sabotage one gossip website (I didn’t go through with it). I struggle to look away from the nasty comments about my darling. Once I have seen a cruel comment, I feel compelled to look again and again, several times an hour, to see if there have been any more. This can go on for days until the thread becomes quiet.  How can I break the habit of wallowing in NEGATIVE feelings and upsetting myself??? 

I worry about how any future criticism with affect my girl-crush’s career and feelings, as well as my own, as this sort of thing has depressed me for weeks and weeks in the past. I have no control over her emotions or the words of others, so how can I control my own anxiety and my sadness if people criticise my girl-crush?

Hi friend. This is such a relatable issue, so thank you for writing. There’s an ENTIRE CHAPTER in my book dedicated to dealing with Internet haters!

Sometimes the fangirl signs up to be eternal protector of an actress. She mounts her steed and rides around the wilds of Internet, looking to do battle with trolls who would threaten the honor of her lady. But unlike Brienne of Tarth, sometimes we’re not that classy about it.


Deep down you know that your lady doesn’t need you to protect her. But you LIKE the drama, don’t you? You enjoy the stomach churns, because they ignite something inside you. Rage is juicy and real, and yes sometimes it makes you feel like shit, but feeling something is better than nothing right?

I’ve talked a lot on this site about it’s easier and often more effective to add healthy behaviors rather than cutting out bad ones. You can’t pull the rug out from under the habit without having a fluffy couch to fall back into. So here’s what I want you to do.

Find the critic inside yourself and make her the villain. 

Clearly you’re itching to do battle, and that urge has landed in unhealthy Internet territory. Instead, why not send your guardian to do battle with a foe that is capable of being vanquished? We all have our inner demons. I even named mine Carl.

Self-compassion looks different for everyone. But it usually entails being patient and kind when you screw up, when you need help, and when you’re working toward your goals. You acknowledge that you don’t have control over others. So you’ve got to the turn the focus inward. Managing anxiety starts with responding to self-talk that is negative and critical.

So this the question I want you to ask yourself:

What would it look like if I rooted for myself as much as I love my fave? 

When you practice self-compassion, you’ll find yourself less distracted by battles that aren’t yours to wage. Sometimes the noblest and kindest thing is to fight for your own success.



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§ 2 Responses to Girl Crush Guardian

  • UKgirl says:

    Thank you so much for your reply Kathleen, its spot on… Getting angry and brooding has always been one of my flaws, which I actually thought I had under control until I read your reply – only now it seems obvious I’ve just applied it to my fandom! Your post about “Carl” is fantastic and I am definitely as harsh with myself as I am with haters – so self-compassion will be one of my resolutions for the New Year! Thank you very much, you’re great!

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