Not as fun as Comic-Con
August 7, 2014 § Leave a comment
Today I’m working one of my many day jobs, covering the American Psychological Association’s annual conference as a reporter.
Sadly there are no sessions on the psychology of fangirling! One day, guys. One day.
fangirl dilemma: love or obsession
August 5, 2014 § Leave a comment
Jenna writes,
I have been watching danisnotonfire a lot. He makes me so happy whenever I watch his videos. I love his personality, his smile, his eyes, and everything about him. But I am way younger than him, I have never met him, and he lives in London and I live in America. He is all I ever think of at night. I literally dream of him. I read so many FanFics. Could I be in love with him or am I just an obsessed fangirl? It makes me so sad that he is older, he will never know who I am, and he will never notice me. I’m just another fan. Help please. 😦
Jenna, you’re just an obsessed fangirl. I mean, aren’t we all in some way or another? You can go through life distracting yourself with the unattainable, or you can figure out what function your Dan-worship serves. Often we read fic or daydream because we’re trying to distract ourselves from thoughts that make us feel uncomfortable or sad. It’s in our biology, as our brains are actually programmed to distract us in order to keep us going. But this kid is not your solution, Jenna–he’s just keeping you occupied until you figure out what is.
Deciding what’s love and what isn’t love is never usually a helpful exercise. But I do know that the best relationships are honest, open, and equal. And they don’t succeed unless we’re willing to work on those icky parts of ourselves that we try to forget when we fangirl a little too hard.
What would your life look like if you took that enthusiasm and energy you channel towards someone you have never met and put it back on you? If you can love something or someone that intensely, then you have the ability to make yourself into someone fantastic.
Love,
Kathleen
fangirl dilemma: the agony of gratitude
August 1, 2014 § 1 Comment
Maddy writes,
While I’m normally in a geek fandom (SuperWhoLock, Potterhead etc), I recently got into a band fandom of 5 Seconds of Summer. They have changed my life by making bad days better and encouraging me to also start my band (not directly obv).
But they have made me acutely aware of the pain with it. Sometimes when I see their twitter, all I can do is cry because they don’t notice me. I’m always thinking of them. The fact that they’ve changed my life so drastically and made me do things I never thought I could do and the fact that they will never know this, hurts like hell.
They will also never come to my country (minor, non-european/american country as we are) and my parents refuse to take me to their concerts and they feel it to be a frivolous expense. While they have made me also stop self-harm, I do sometimes cry myself to sleep (which I rarely do. The last time I did was during Doomsday (doctor who)).
Help me with this pain!
Oh Maddy. I hear you. While I’ve never heard of 5 Seconds of Summer (old lady problems), I can relate to the feeling of not being able to thank someone.
This January I went to hear one of my favorite authors speak. I arrived two hours early, paced up and down the aisles of the bookstore, and planted my butt on a front row seat. And lo and behold this unicorn of a writer sat down next to me while she was being introduced, and I cried a little on the inside because her hair smelled so lovely. But when it came time to line up and get my booked signed, I couldn’t do it. I bolted out the front door and ran to the bus stop. All that waiting, all that pining and hair smelling, and I had chickened out.
How can you thank someone who will never be in your life but who has changed it for the better? I knew that night that 3 seconds of hasty interaction wouldn’t cut it. My face wouldn’t stand out to her, and my story wouldn’t stand out, because dozens of other people that night would probably tell her the exact same thing. I was a little wave in an ocean of book lovers that would crest and fall without this woman ever noticing.
Maddy, you might feel the piece of you that’s missing is shaped like an Australian pop punk rocker, but I could promise you that you could marry one of these guys tomorrow and it wouldn’t make a difference. You might have pocketed some inspiration from obsessions, but the changes you’ve made in your life are yours and only yours. And you should be proud of that!
Acceptance, love, and approval from others are basic humans needs, but if you treat them like the main course, your stomach will always be grumbling for more. I realize now that stumbling into the snow that night at the bookstore wasn’t an act of cowardice. It was me finally realizing that my dream wasn’t to meet my heroes. It was to pay attention to where they where leading me.
You can admire what you love, but you can also be what you admire. Tease out the traits you value in your punk rockers, Hogwarts instructors, and SuperWhoLockish folks and start living them.
If you’re not sure how to start building a self based on your interests, counseling is a great way to get started. Never underestimate the value of having someone hear you without judgment.
Maddy, our fangirl loves aren’t the stories of our lives–they’re the signposts. You can stay stalled in the emotions and have a pretty happy life. Or you can pay attention to where they point, start walking, and lead a fabulous one.
Love,
Kathleen
Goal Setting Fangirl Style: The BAMF checklist
July 8, 2014 § 1 Comment
I wanted to talk a little bit today about how to use your fangirl nature in setting and meeting the goals you have in life.
So often we think of fangirling as a central impediment to accomplishing what we want in life. I mean, it’s hard to see how watching so much tv in a row that Netflix feels like it has to intervene and ask if you are alive and want to continue (Yes, Netflix, the answer is always yes for fuck’s sake). Or how the emotions invested in crying over screencaps and gifs and fanfiction can be redirected to life stuff.
But it can! If you’ve read my book, then you already probably know a lot about how to change some of your thinking about fangirling as it applies to your life. But most of the exercises in the book are big-picture thinking, so I wanted to give you a few simple daily tools you can use to power your motivation with fangirl fuel.
Tool #1: The BAMF checklist.
We all make to-do lists. Ladies in particular love them. We make them in boring staff meetings, when our professor is droning on forever, or when we’re riding the bus home. But a visual or verbal reminder of a character that inspires you can make a huge difference when you’re outlining your tasks for the week.
I have 7 things that I want to accomplish every day. They include making my bed, flossing, taking vitamins, etc. I have much bigger goals in life, but I also know that if I keep up daily healthy habits, I’m more likely to accomplish them and look fabulous doing it.
The problem with daily habits is that they suck. So I slap a different screencap of Diane Lockhart from The Good Wife on my weekly BAMF list, and voila. My motivation isn’t just to get shit done anymore. I see the cap and think, “OH GOD. If I don’t pack my lunch and save money I’ll never be that fabulous.” Forget whether this is actually true. The screencap MAKES it true.
This is probably my favorite tool because as a stats geek, I can quantitatively track my improvement from week to week. When I first started, I was hitting maybe 40% of the tasks every week (gold stars help too!). Now I’m averaging around 70%.
So think about what favorite person, real or fictional, will get your ass in gear. If you can connect your desire to live better with your passion for a character, then there’s no telling what you can do.
Stay tuned! I’ll be posting more goal setting tools in the coming weeks.
fangirl dilemma: have I got what it takes?
June 10, 2014 § 2 Comments
Tessa writes,
Hello 🙂 Thank you for your blog and for this website, for sharing and inspiring! Could you please give me some advice still? Very often I just spend time watching the stuff BAMF’s (both fictional and real-life) do, and they (you included) always awe me. However I don’t think that I deserve to be like that. I don’t think that I have such great qualities in me, such morals and courage. Is this possibly true? Thank youxx
Tessa,
Thanks for your honest words. Once I read this fabulous quote from a poet posted by another blogger. It goes, “We are vey badly made, but we are not finished.”
I can’t think of a better way to understand being a BAMF. Yes BAMFs might stick to their morals and be courageous, but they can be extraordinarily shitty people at times like the rest of us. Laura Roslin cheated to win an election. My current love Diane Lockhart sold her partner out to try to get a promotion. That’s why they’re so appealing to me. They’re flawed gorgeous creatures who manage to rise out of their own hopeless humanity more often than not.
Maybe you don’t feel like you have what it takes, but the best place to start is to consider what extremely shitty circumstances have helped build the person you are.
I’m growing as a writer because I get up and try when I don’t feel like it. But also because I’ve been rejected more times than notes on my most popular tumblr meme.
I’m growing in my relationships because of my willingness to take responsibility for myself. But also because I’ve stayed in bad ones even though I knew the other person never loved me and never would.
I’m growing as a BAMF because I see the qualities in amazing women I admire. But also because I missed out on important relationships with BAMFs in real life I ignored or neglected.
Tessa, I am very badly made. But I’m not finished with myself. And neither are you. Your humanness is the most important trait you will ever need to be a BAMF. And god knows we’re up to our ears in our humanness!
So keep paying attention to real and fictional BAMFs, but don’t forget to pay attention to yourself. All the ingredients are already there. Just don’t be afraid to mess up a few times along the way.
Love,
Kathleen
the best cure for a boy
June 5, 2014 § Leave a comment
Jessica writes,
I think i LOVE Luke Hemmings lol but im serious -_-
Jessica, I’m gonna be real with you. I am 29 years old and I had to google that name. I empathize with your pain but I also know the exquisite pain of finding an older lady BAMF to admire and model yourself after, so that’s what I would suggest as a cure for your teen pop angst. Luke may never love you, but you’ll damn sure love yourself if you find who you want to be like and just fucking go for it.
Best of luck,
Kathleen
Kpop or Kpooped?
April 23, 2014 § Leave a comment
Cindy asks,
I became a kpop fan girl since I know about a band from South Korea. They are not a boyband but they are adorable. And since I know them all, I started to stalk them. Like searching about their life, their pictures, their hobbies everyday. I’m happy, but I feel pain too. I don’t want to live as a kpop fangirl. Moreover I cannot sleep because of thinking of them. What should i do? I don’t want to be a fan girl anymore.
Cindy, I hear you. This is a great example of how fangirling over real life people can be one of the most painful things. I’m not that familiar with kpop, but I know the feeling of being enamored with someone who will never be a part of your life quite well. That’s why fangirling over fictional characters isn’t quite as bad. Knowing they’re not out roaming around somewhere not interested in you. Pouring over the lives of these band members gives you a temporary high. But there is no reciprocity in the relationship, so you inevitably end up hurting yourself.
Here are a few simple (or not so simple fixes) that could maybe help you.
1. Remind yourself that they are people. Celebrities are humans who have flaws. They are insecure, they feel disappointment, and they get bored and frustrated with life just like you do. They have difficult relationships with friends and family members, and sometimes they feel lonely. Being famous doesn’t make a person any less human than the rest of us. In fact, it probably exaggerates it. The person that activates your inner fangirl is probably an image that society and the media have created, and not the real person, who has both the strengths and flaws that any person would.
2. Seek out relationships with reciprocity. Have you made friendships because of your fangirling? Try engaging those people and talking about things other than the kpop band. You might find that you have more connecting you than a celebrity and make friendships that last way beyond your current obsession. I met my best friend through fangirling, and even though we don’t have a single current TV show or character in common anymore, we know we’re in each others’ lives for good.
3. Listen to your obsession. Our obsessions can often be markers for when we are anxious or upset. If you feel tempted to start trolling the web for pictures of your obsession, ask yourself, “What has happened today that might have influenced this need to disconnect from reality? What am I avoiding, and how do I engage it to improve myself?” Sometimes we fangirl for the thrill and the connection with others, but sometimes we do it to dissociate from life and all its ups and downs. The more you meet these challenges head on, the more you will be able to enjoy the time you do spend in the fangirl world.
And we’re back!
April 20, 2014 § Leave a comment
Hey kids,
It’s been a long three months, full of studying for my comprehensive exams and enjoying a love affair with The Good Wife and Christine Baranski. Keep sending in your questions, and I promise I’ll be answering them in the next few days!
Kathleen
Fanwoman List Making
January 20, 2014 § Leave a comment
I think it’s a safe stereotype to assume that almost all ladies enjoy making lists. Some of us do it to get shit done, and some of us do it to avoid getting shit done. Those of us who are fangirls even make lists of the tv shows or movies we have to watch, and easily overwhelm ourselves. After all, fangirling is hard work. If you look at an actress’s filmography on IMDB and instantly give up, then you don’t have what it takes.
Today however I want to talk about combining those two types of lists to make a Mutant Fanwoman Attack Plan, or MFAP.
Step 1. Make a list of all the things you want to accomplish in the next few days. Or even one day. Don’t discriminate between what’s most important and what’s least important. Just brainstorm and get it all down.
Step 2. Think of all the BAMFy characters you admire in fiction. Make a list of the greatest scenes or passages that you find inspiring. Or maybe it’s a tumblr post that inspires you. (Note: Try not to pick feels-inducing passages. Hairporn and sass feels are acceptable but anything shippy or involving death or heartbreak is not a good idea in this case.)
Step 3: Combine the two lists. Ideally you should start your MFAP by watching or reading a scene, and then alternate between a task and a scene with which you reward/motivate yourself. Absorb the power from your favorites, and go forth and conquer.
I’m going to try this out myself this week and report back! Feel free to tweet about it or drop me a message to let me know how if it works!
What’s your Story Arc?
January 15, 2014 § Leave a comment
Hi kids,
Just checking in again to see how your 2014 is going! Today I wanted to talk a little bit about using fangirl concepts to craft motivation for the goals that you have for yourself.
To start, I want you to imagine one of your favorite badass and/or successful characters. Now think of something they achieved or acquired in a book, tv show, etc. Rewind your mind tape a little, and imagine they had internally debated whether or not to pursue this feat and then decided against it. Or procrastinated to a point where the goal or prize was no longer achievable.
Was this hard for you to imagine? Even if it wasn’t, was it a particularly compelling scenario? Did it make you feel anxious or uncomfortable, perhaps because it resonated with your own insecurities? These types of story arcs don’t exist in fiction, because. . .well because they are boring as hell. Characters may have internal struggles about relationships and romantic love, but when it comes to getting shit done, story arcs are about actively trying and often about actively failing multiple times.
So today, I want you to think about what you want your story arc to be for this year, or even longer. What if you chose external action over internal strife, even if it resulted in being disappointed? For me personally, there is no worse feeling than knowing I am the only one responsible for sabotaging myself. For more about this, check out chapter 3 in the book.
Success and failure aren’t different muscles in your mind. They are two sides to the same mechanism, a muscle that is about moving forward rather than being stalled by all the what ifs we use to clog progress.
Here’s one “what if” I think we could all remember. What if you stopped mentally vetoing the possibilities life holds? And started living your story?
Feel free to drop a note letting me know how the year is going or if you have a fangirl dilemma.
Until next time, BAMF it out.
Fangirl Therapy 