The Google Rundown
January 15, 2015 § Leave a comment
Ladies! (and gents are there gents?) I’ll still be answering all the fangirl dilemmas you’ve been sending in very soon! But I’d like to dedicate a post to answering all the questions some of you type into Google to find this site. Because they’re great questions! Or they’re just ridiculous questions which are hilarious and need to be shared with the world. So let’s get started!
Does being a fangirl affect your brain? Yes. Next question.
Is fangirling a disorder? Officially? No. But it could be a by-product or feature of real life diagnoses, like an anxiety disorder.
How do fangirls find so much time to watch TV?
What is the definition of fangirl feels? There is no definition for this in the English language. But it’s something like, asfawlefijwefMAKEOUTSweofibkdkf.gif
How to stop a fangirl attack? I’m confused. Is the fangirl attacking you? If so disable her with a hairporn gif or OTP makeouts. If you’re the fangirl, put your head between your legs and sing the lyrics to “Tomorrow” from Annie very loudly. If that doesn’t work watch any episode from Season 6 of Gilmore Girls. Blegh.
What do I do about my girlfriend’s fangirling? Not one damn thing. Worship her like the unicorn she is.
How do I stop fangirling?
How to help someone who died of fangirling? Step 1. Acquire a necromancer. Step 2. Clean up the giant fucking mess you’ve now made. Step 3. Acquire the film rights to the plot.
How does the mind of a fangirl work in 4 easy steps?
Step 1.
Step 2.
Step 3.
Step 4.
How do you make fangirl friends?
What jobs could a fangirl do? Professional hair petter, romance novelist, bounty hunter, lady president.
How to be a successful fangirl? Read my book when it comes out.
Until next time! And if you’ve got a fangirl dilemma, my ask is always open.
Fangirl Dilemma: The Thrill Is Gone
January 9, 2015 § Leave a comment
TheOtterandthehedgehog writes,
I fell in love with Sherlock in the summer. But then in the fall, I had school and some emotional transition that ate up my fangirl time, and so I waited long periods of time between each episode. But now, I feel like the spark has gone or I’m just not that knowledgeable about the show anymore, and it’s just not the same as it was. I still love the show, but how can I recover the spark? I’m not sure if it’s the specific season or me, but I just hate feeling blah about one of my favorite things in the world (I sound crazy!).
The spark! Oh the spark. If you could bottle the butterflies you get when you fall in love with a show or a character or a ship, you’d be set, wouldn’t you?
There are two kinds of fangirls. Those who fall hard and fast but burn out like a comet within a year or so. And then there are those who settle in for the long haul and are still stalking that same actor at a con for the 27th time or writing their 400th fic on the same ship. I’m the first kind, and it sounds like you are too. But it’s really a blessing in disguise.
Infatuation with a TV show is a lot like when you fall in love, romantically speaking. When we fall madly in love with someone, what do we do?
1. We overestimate our compatibility. When you find THAT show, you think, “This is it. I’ve found it. The perfect combination of good writing and hairporn. The ship to sink all ships.”
2. We are blind to their faults. Likewise, you’re willing to overlook a few plot holes, a dumb love triangle, or an out of character episode.
But just like infatuation fades, you might roll over and find your television bedfellow is not so perfect under the light of day. Your ship isn’t as smexy as you thought. You look at your favorite character and you feel. . .nothing.
But a mature fangirl treats TV love the same way a mature person would treat romantic love. We don’t look to it to solve all our problems or take responsibility for our emotions. We treasure it, and our love is based on reality, not fantasy.
The comparison ends there though! Unlike being married, we can collect as many fangirl loves as we like. You’ll recapture that spark! It just may be with a different show than Sherlock, or a different fictional person. Use that downtime when your emotions are freed up to try new shows, read new books, or I don’t know, do your homework?
Rather than mourn that lost infatuation, get excited about that next life-ruining thing to appear, my friend, because I promise you that it will cumbersnatch your heart away. I always think I’ve hit my last fangirl love, when another BAMFy lady swoops in and steals the show.
Fangirl Dilemma: The Dark Side
January 5, 2015 § 3 Comments
notsohighfunctioningsociopath writes,
So recently I’ve begun to watch Star Wars, which I’ve never seen before (sue me), and I have a very strong, debilitating case of feels. It’s terrible, and interfering with my life. Also since everyone knows what’s going to happen, I know a bunch of spoilers. Ugh, but I can’t not watch it. Can I in any way control this?
Kidding! But seriously, having a lot of feels is the exact opposite of being a sociopath, so not sure what your name is about.
When you think about it, being a fangirl is a lot like being a Jedi. Let’s look at a couple Yoda precepts for help.
Luke: What’s in there? Yoda: Only what you take with you.
Your experience of a TV show, movie, or book is comprised of what you bring to the table. This is especially true when you’re participating in a fandom. If you bring anger, you’ll find anger. If you bring jealously, you’ll be jealous of others. So friend, if you’re looking for something to interfere with your life, then that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Star Wars isn’t keeping your shit from being together. It’s a convenient and wonderful distraction, but watching it or not watching it has nothing to do with how you choose to live your life.
Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.
Where do feels come from? When we have an intense emotional reaction to something, we’re operating out of a fear of loss. This could look like being scared your girlfriend will cheat on you, or not getting on a plane because you’re afraid of dying. In fangirl world, it manifests as our struggle with the reality that shows end, good writing fades, and characters die, depart, or do things we don’t like. So controlling your feels means confronting yourself with this reality. Star Wars ends, George Lucas destroys things, our passions flicker out. This is all part of the cycle of fangirl life. And embracing this reality prepares you to enjoy new characters when we encounter them.
A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.
Being a fanwoman is about defending yourself from the negative thoughts you might have about yourself. So beating yourself up when it comes to your obsessions is no more useful than whaling on the nearest Sith Lord with a lightsaber. It might feel good, but all of a sudden you’re staring at your creepy, gloved robot arm in a foreshadowing climax. Understanding your feels and how they emerge is not about feeling guilty or less than. It’s educating yourself how your fangirl brain works and how you can use it for good instead of evil. For success instead of distraction.
Nothing more will I teach you today. Clear your mind of questions. The Force is your ally, and a powerful ally it is! So pay attention to what it shows you, and don’t pay attention to the odds. And for the love of god, don’t watch the prequels. Watch this instead.
Love,
Kathleen
Fangirl Dilemma: TV Takeover
December 22, 2014 § Leave a comment
Supremeoven writes,
I have this TV show that I watch constantly, and it’s slipped into my daily schedule to watch 2-3 episodes of it. And when I don’t watch it, I keep on thinking about it and it’s just basically taken over my life. For some reason I keep on feeling really down and confused and I just really don’t know what to do with my life.
Oh Supremeoven (is this a AHS: Coven reference or do you just really like baking?), I hear you. I’ve had a few shows aim to take over my life. LOST. The Good Wife. Battlestar Galactica. I’d say that Glee was the one that really hit the hardest though. I made a lot of amazing friends and found a lot of amazing clothes, but the amount of time I spent rewatching season 1 was, let’s say, problematic.
I think we get sucked into television shows at vulnerable times in our lives. Right before I started obsessing, I went through a bad breakup. The day after it happened, I packed up my car, gave away all my furniture to the lovely Latino family next door, and drove the 800 miles home to restart my life. And this wonderfully dumb TV show was waiting for me on the other end. Sure it got me through the rough patch, but at what cost?
One of my therapist mentors shared these very wise words with me once, and I want to pass them along to you. “The infant’s always there, but that doesn’t mean she has to steer.” What that means is that in each of us, there’s a mature side, and an immature side. The immature side of us is the part that wants to be taken care of, to be nurtured and loved unconditionally at all times. When we consistently use an obsession to get us through the day, we’re letting the infant steer. And this will inevitably make us feel depressed and feed our addiction.
Sitting with the uncomfortableness of not knowing what you’re going to do with your life is letting the adult steer. It means saying, “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I’m gonna be brave and try something different.” Supreme, a TV show can entertain you, distract you, and inspire you. But it can’t take care of you. Only you can do that. That might look like talking to a counselor, replacing unhealthy habits with healthy ones, or taking the time to write down your values, dreams, and goals for life. It doesn’t look like watching your favorite episode for the 27th time.
So be kind to yourself! You’re in the driver’s seat, and only you can decide where you’d like to go next.
Love,
Kathleen
hurt and comfort
December 15, 2014 § 2 Comments
Maria Susanna writes,
In every fandom I’ve been in, I’ve been a hurt/comfort junkie and enjoyed the company of others who like fictionally hurting and comforting the ones we non-fictionally love, but now for the first time I’m in a fandom where it seems that other fans find that… weird. Someone literally just said “But why would you want [character] injured?”
Am I crazy? Are they crazy? How can I handle my sweet bittersweet feels about my fave being hurt without freaking out my fellow fangirls? (Maybe what I mean is, IS ANYONE EVER GOING TO READ MY FIC IF I FINISH WRITING IT??)
Maria, writing hurt/comfort fic does not make you crazy. It doesn’t make you sadistic. If you’ve ever watched Grey’s Anatomy, you’ll find that it made Shonda Rhimes a bajillionaire. Hurt and comfort are part of the human experience, and every piece of fiction from Harry Potter to Downton Abbey employs it as part of plot.
You’ll always get haters when you write fanfic. If there’s too much angst, people want fluff, and vice versa. I am not the kind of fangirl who wants my favorite to end up in the hospital, because 90% of my favorite characters die on screen anyway (*side-eyes Damon & Carlton*).
But Maria, I think the question you need to ask yourself is what function the fic serves for you. Fiction can be a powerful coping mechanism for people struggling with past traumas, anxiety, and any number of maladies. But when it’s the only tool in your belt, it’s unlikely to work forever. Finding other ways to comfort yourself is essential, because we can’t distract ourselves forever with television or fanfiction.
We like to imagine our favorite characters being cared for, but the truth is that there are people you encounter every day, real people, who can benefit from your generosity. If you’re drawn to that kind of story, then 
why not start living it? Think of a friend who could use a note of encouragement, or an organization that could benefit form your time and talents. When I’m feeling caught up in my own stuff and retreat into fiction, it’s usually a signal that I need to practice kindness towards myself and others.
So keep writing that fic Maria! Do what you enjoy, and if people don’t like it, well then they don’t have to click on that link. But don’t be afraid to think about how your gift for comforting others can expand outside the boundaries of a fictional world. You won’t need those fic reviews when you can see the impact you’ve made in the lives of others.
Kathleen
Fangirl Dilemma: Sophia’s question
December 3, 2014 § Leave a comment
Sophia asks,
How does fangirling incorporate anxiety?
Sophia, I had to write an entire book to answer this question (coming soon!). But to give you a concise but worthy answer, I’m going to be pulling truths from Robert Sapolsky’s fantastic book, Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers. (A great Christmas present for the neurotics in your life who need to know why freaking out all the time is going to destroy them.)
Fangirls chase after stress.
The thing about anxiety, or stress, is that we always assume it’s bad news. But the reality is that just the right amount of stress is delightful. It feels fucking amazing. We wouldn’t watch scary movies or bungee jump if it didn’t. So as fangirls, we are constantly chasing that right amount of stress, that perfect roller coaster of plot or sky dive into OTP feels that keep us happy.
Fangirling is about the anticipation, not the reward.
Think about your favorite fanfic. What are the moments where you feel the biggest high? Usually they’re the ones right before something happens that makes you hide your little head in your sweatshirt. That’s because in our brains, the biggest bursts of dopamine occur before the reward. And this of course, fuels us to keep reading, or keep watching. This anticipation pumps oxygen and glucose even faster to your brain, which is why you often feel as high as a kite the day your favorite show comes back on the air.
We can’t keep track of our dopamine reserves.
When some people finish a great movie or an episode on Netflix, their dopamine levels drop back to normal. But sometimes when a fangirl reads the last sentence of a fic, the reserves in her brain have lost count and dip just a tiny bit below normal. She might even experience sadness or irritability. So what does she do? She seeks out an even greater level of stimulus to achieve the soaring heights of squee. This is called habituation (aka the reason why I could eventually go from only watching 3 Breaking Bad episodes in a row to watching 6).
We become less sensitive to our obsessions.
If you bombard your dopamine receptors with Google alerts, fanfiction, gifs, and filmography, they have to compensate, and they do this by becoming less sensitive to the addiction. And instead of wanting to check Tumblr, we need to check Tumblr. Our lives depend on it. They become consumed by it.
Our past and present influence this relationship.
Our past experiences and environments, even our time in the womb, influence our susceptibility to hairporn. But the immediate anxieties of day-to-day life also play a role. For example, if a rat is exposed to stress immediately before you give him a giant bowl of cocaine, guess what? He’s going to use more of it. Short-term stressors create increases in dopamine, and then the fangirling releases them in huge, crey-filled amounts.
So Sophia, for better or worse, fangirling is one way our brain responds to anxiety. The trick is to introduce as many other alternatives to dealing with stress, like exercising or being mindful, as the ones we choose through fangirling. So rather than cutting off the feels cold turkey, consider the buffet of coping available to you.
Got a fangirl dilemma or question? Ask here.
fangirl dilemma: managing anxiety
November 17, 2014 § Leave a comment
Congrats to Bekka for winning the BAMF necklace giveaway! Bekka, if you could email me your info at fangirltherapist@gmail.com, we’ll send it your way.
Now for our fangirl dilemma.
Evey writes,
Thank you for your latest post on anxiety, it made me see not only that I need to undertake some action, but also that I could do it myself! My anxiety has mostly to do with ‘drugs’ like Tumblr and fanfiction and other reading, and I’m going to try and turn off my computer early. Could you please write an example of how you’d proceed from there? I feel like the ‘communicating in a nonreactive manner’ you mention (not only concerning people, but e.g. concerning work, too) is something I need to work on, but I don’t really know how to.
P.S. How does meditating help? Isn’t that a moment when you are not supposed to think at all? How does that solve things?
Thanks Evey. These are such great questions, ones that I’m still trying to figure out myself every day, even as a therapist. But here are a few thoughts.
- Start small. Delete your Tumblr app for a few days. Stick a post-it on your mirror to remember turn off your computer. Sometimes I leave my phone at home when I walk to the grocery store.
- Communicating in a nonreactive manner looks like establishing one-to-one relationships with others. If this is at work, that means introducing yourself to everyone and making effort to understand people’s goals and their perspectives. That way you’ll be less likely to complain about them to a third person and can approach them directly when you have a problem.
- And finally, meditation and mindfulness are about paying attention to your thoughts and anxieties in a nonjudgmental way, not wiping your mind clean. So don’t scold yourself if you’re obsessing over a ship, but rather redirect your thoughts to something calming. Never underestimate the power of stopping, taking a few deep breaths, and engaging your five senses.
Easy, right?
Evey, change is slow. and change is lonely. So the best thing you can do for yourself is to enlist a friend, fangirl or not, to join you in your quest. The more you can encourage each other, the more momentum you’ll gain.
It also means introducing positive habits before you pull the plug on all the anxious ones. Maybe I want to eat more spinach than chocolate chip cookies, but having them both in my life is better than living sans plants. So if you want to spend less time fangirling, figure out what’s as worthy of your attention as a really great headcanon. For me, it’s being around the people who love me and working towards my goals. When the important things are the main course, then fic is just icing on the cake. Thanks for your questions, and let me know how it goes! For everyone else, my ask is always open.
Keep on BAMFin,
Kathleen
fangirl dilemma: there and back again
September 29, 2014 § Leave a comment
Aredhel writes,
Just another 17-year-old daydreamer who spends her time in made up reality rather than with her friends. My fangirling has been really unbearable these days, and I really don’t know why. It all started in July. I decided to read The Hobbit book again and completely fell for it. Then for the movies and characters and whoooosh, here I am. Crying all day, knowing how the book ends, scared by the fact my beloved dwarves are gonna die.
And that is my problem. I want to be normal again and take it as a normal movie without emotions. But it seems impossible. I need someone with the same problem I can talk to. Or someone without this problem to help me. I think the third movie will tear my heart apart.
Whoooosh. What a perfect word to describe what it feels like to get swept up in a fangirl tornado of emotions. I’ll have to remember that and add it to the dictionary.
Aredhel, do you have your own tribe of friends like Tolkien’s 13 dwarves? Friends who are as beloved as the fictional characters steering your thoughts and emotions? If you don’t have fangirl friends, don’t be afraid to reach out to the great wide Internet and scoop some up (always being careful and checking they’re not axe murderers of course, with you being a young one). But even if they don’t share your interests, real life friends can be just as valuable. What is your dream for your life, and what is the dragon in it? And most important, who can accompany you along the journey and help you feel brave?
I can assure you that you’ll survive the third movie, my friend, but what you do with the story is up to you. And as the great J. R. R. Tolkien wrote, “There is nothing like looking if you want to find something.”
fangirl dilemma: livin life
September 23, 2014 § Leave a comment
Monet asks,
Im doing a science fair project on what causes people to ‘fangirl,’ and I’m looking for answers on how to stop since I for one am a die-hard One Direction fan. Help?
First of all, GOOD FOR YOU for generating awareness about the science of fangirling. I’m curious to see what your findings were.
I get a lot of messages from people about how to stop fangirling. My first response is usually, “Why would anybody want to stop?” But then I remember how it feels to experience anxiety over something that isn’t really worth it. We’ve all been there.
To me, though, the question isn’t how to stop fangirling. It’s how do you start living your life? Maybe that’s too Oprah of a question for some people, but it’s the one we have to ask ourselves.
We admire people in fiction and celebrities usually because they are out there LIVIN LIFE. But dump in a couple of ounces of creys, shake and stir, and that concept gets twisted around in our brains. We associate our emotions with the person and not with the story that tugs at our insides.
So if you want to stop fangirling, then start living my friend. Going cold turkey will leave nothing but a gaping void, so rather than dumping your One Direction merch on the side of the road, I suggest you start adding healthy habits to your day. Make mistakes. Be bold. Get rejected. Discover what passions give you the same fuzzy feelings that they do. The more you start living your own life, the less you’ll need someone else’s to get you through the day.
fangirl dilemma: oh the feels
August 21, 2014 § Leave a comment
Ph. Don’tknowwhattodo asks,
I recently discovered your site and am grateful for the work you’re doing. It has shown me how many ways there are to fangirl over something or someone. For me, a lesbian at odds with the paucity of diverse female representation in media, fangirling has been a way to find representation via subtext. Yes, it’s cathexis, yes, it’s a way to negotiate desire (especially at times in my life when I’ve been less than comfortable with my own identity), and hell yes it’s about finding heroes. Smart girls, brave girls, strong girls. I can understand all this on an intellectual level, and even be OK with the fact that I am a grown professional who spends way too much time on Tumblr.
What I am not as OK with is the feels. They are impossible to describe to someone who does not experience them. How is it possible to be emotionally mature (as I strive to be) and still have an uncontrollable crush on a fictional character? Your advice to channel this energy into productive real-world pursuits in most welcome. But oh, the pain of it. Objectively, I know that it is a little bit nuts to swoon over Maura Isles. Rizzoli and Isles is not even a very good show! And yet here I am. Fangirling. Help.
Oh the feels. I’ll never forget the time I led a therapy group not realizing I had written “feels” on a whiteboard instead of “feelings” until afterwards. Super professional am I.
Feels are a lovely, affordable, and physically safe high when you think of all the other nefarious activities we could doing in search of a delicious rush of emotion.
I wish I could bottle up the feels I get around Day 6 into a new TV lady crush and use them on days I feel down. The air smells sweeter, I’m lighter on my feet, and I’m grinning like an idiot.
But that initial dose of feels turns into a ravenous monster the longer you go. It takes more viewing, more ficwriting, more headcanon, more gifing to reach the high as your tolerance increases. It becomes a painful chore as we carry the obsession on our back throughout the day.
Unfortunately, there’s no cure for the feels, my friend. But you can pay attention to what they tell you. 90% of the time when our feels don’t burn out after the first few weeks like a supernova of hairporn, they serve a purpose. And this purpose is usually to disengage or distract us from our own anxieties.
So the best way to tackle feels isn’t to delete all your Sasha pics. It’s taking inventory of your life right now. You seem like a super professional lady, so there’s sure to be some stressors in your life. What are they? Attack them. Engage them. Cope positively. The more you face anxieties head on, the less your mind will need to check out via the nearest ladyBAMF. You can squeeflail like a crazy woman when you need to, but you won’t carry the feels around like a 350 pound gorilla. It’ll be more like a tiny organ grinder monkey with a top hat. Way more manageable.
Enjoy your feels lady! But enjoy the rest of life as well. When you take care of business and your brain, the rest is icing on the cake.
Fangirl Therapy 
