fangirl dilemma: real life lady crushin
August 12, 2014 § 1 Comment
Rose asks,
What do you do when you start fangirling over people in your personal life? Like, I can cope with crying over Sasha Alexander’s hair while cocooned in a blanket at 3am, but I don’t really know how to handle the real life swooning and endless weeping when your friend crushes become too much to handle. Thank you for your input 🙂
Thanks, Rose. First of all, why don’t you write up a little how-to on that Sasha hair survival method, because I have a heap of followers on twitter who are put out of commission by her locks about 3.5 times a day. It would be nice to know there’s hope for them!
Okay, sorry, I just got distracted for thirty minutes looking for hairporn gifs in tumblr. . .
ANYWAY, YES, FRIEND CRUSHES. First of all, congratulations on having friends who are crush-worthy. Many people don’t ever make the effort to get to know people whom they admire.
I think the mistake most fangirls make is that they try to get over their intense admiration of the friend. But honestly, why hide that little light of yours under a bushel when it will only just burst into flames anyway? Don’t snuff out your feelings. Let them be. Respect the fangirl nature.
The problem here is that you aren’t applying the same dedication to yourself. Give yourself a little self-esteem boost. Tell yourself how amazing you are. Inspire yourself. Write a letter to yourself and put it in the mail. Leave yourself a voicemail.
You are fucking wonderful Rose, and it is okay to say that. Go say that in the mirror three times right now. Get up. Do it. Do it now.
Don’t worry about people saying you have an ego. Don’t feel like you have to dismiss your accomplishments or the compliments that come your way. The sooner you learn to have a mega fangirl crush on yourself, the less you’ll be weeping over your friends. You’ll still get giddy over them, but you know what’s even better? Getting excited that you get to be you. I mean what a phenomenal casting choice, am I right? You’ll grin at that very realization as you lay awake in the dark. And perhaps you’ll dream about where life will lead you, with a sprinkle of Sasha hair added for good measure.
fangirl dilemma: love or obsession
August 5, 2014 § Leave a comment
Jenna writes,
I have been watching danisnotonfire a lot. He makes me so happy whenever I watch his videos. I love his personality, his smile, his eyes, and everything about him. But I am way younger than him, I have never met him, and he lives in London and I live in America. He is all I ever think of at night. I literally dream of him. I read so many FanFics. Could I be in love with him or am I just an obsessed fangirl? It makes me so sad that he is older, he will never know who I am, and he will never notice me. I’m just another fan. Help please. 😦
Jenna, you’re just an obsessed fangirl. I mean, aren’t we all in some way or another? You can go through life distracting yourself with the unattainable, or you can figure out what function your Dan-worship serves. Often we read fic or daydream because we’re trying to distract ourselves from thoughts that make us feel uncomfortable or sad. It’s in our biology, as our brains are actually programmed to distract us in order to keep us going. But this kid is not your solution, Jenna–he’s just keeping you occupied until you figure out what is.
Deciding what’s love and what isn’t love is never usually a helpful exercise. But I do know that the best relationships are honest, open, and equal. And they don’t succeed unless we’re willing to work on those icky parts of ourselves that we try to forget when we fangirl a little too hard.
What would your life look like if you took that enthusiasm and energy you channel towards someone you have never met and put it back on you? If you can love something or someone that intensely, then you have the ability to make yourself into someone fantastic.
Love,
Kathleen
fangirl dilemma: the agony of gratitude
August 1, 2014 § 1 Comment
Maddy writes,
While I’m normally in a geek fandom (SuperWhoLock, Potterhead etc), I recently got into a band fandom of 5 Seconds of Summer. They have changed my life by making bad days better and encouraging me to also start my band (not directly obv).
But they have made me acutely aware of the pain with it. Sometimes when I see their twitter, all I can do is cry because they don’t notice me. I’m always thinking of them. The fact that they’ve changed my life so drastically and made me do things I never thought I could do and the fact that they will never know this, hurts like hell.
They will also never come to my country (minor, non-european/american country as we are) and my parents refuse to take me to their concerts and they feel it to be a frivolous expense. While they have made me also stop self-harm, I do sometimes cry myself to sleep (which I rarely do. The last time I did was during Doomsday (doctor who)).
Help me with this pain!
Oh Maddy. I hear you. While I’ve never heard of 5 Seconds of Summer (old lady problems), I can relate to the feeling of not being able to thank someone.
This January I went to hear one of my favorite authors speak. I arrived two hours early, paced up and down the aisles of the bookstore, and planted my butt on a front row seat. And lo and behold this unicorn of a writer sat down next to me while she was being introduced, and I cried a little on the inside because her hair smelled so lovely. But when it came time to line up and get my booked signed, I couldn’t do it. I bolted out the front door and ran to the bus stop. All that waiting, all that pining and hair smelling, and I had chickened out.
How can you thank someone who will never be in your life but who has changed it for the better? I knew that night that 3 seconds of hasty interaction wouldn’t cut it. My face wouldn’t stand out to her, and my story wouldn’t stand out, because dozens of other people that night would probably tell her the exact same thing. I was a little wave in an ocean of book lovers that would crest and fall without this woman ever noticing.
Maddy, you might feel the piece of you that’s missing is shaped like an Australian pop punk rocker, but I could promise you that you could marry one of these guys tomorrow and it wouldn’t make a difference. You might have pocketed some inspiration from obsessions, but the changes you’ve made in your life are yours and only yours. And you should be proud of that!
Acceptance, love, and approval from others are basic humans needs, but if you treat them like the main course, your stomach will always be grumbling for more. I realize now that stumbling into the snow that night at the bookstore wasn’t an act of cowardice. It was me finally realizing that my dream wasn’t to meet my heroes. It was to pay attention to where they where leading me.
You can admire what you love, but you can also be what you admire. Tease out the traits you value in your punk rockers, Hogwarts instructors, and SuperWhoLockish folks and start living them.
If you’re not sure how to start building a self based on your interests, counseling is a great way to get started. Never underestimate the value of having someone hear you without judgment.
Maddy, our fangirl loves aren’t the stories of our lives–they’re the signposts. You can stay stalled in the emotions and have a pretty happy life. Or you can pay attention to where they point, start walking, and lead a fabulous one.
Love,
Kathleen
fangirl dilemma: have I got what it takes?
June 10, 2014 § 2 Comments
Tessa writes,
Hello 🙂 Thank you for your blog and for this website, for sharing and inspiring! Could you please give me some advice still? Very often I just spend time watching the stuff BAMF’s (both fictional and real-life) do, and they (you included) always awe me. However I don’t think that I deserve to be like that. I don’t think that I have such great qualities in me, such morals and courage. Is this possibly true? Thank youxx
Tessa,
Thanks for your honest words. Once I read this fabulous quote from a poet posted by another blogger. It goes, “We are vey badly made, but we are not finished.”
I can’t think of a better way to understand being a BAMF. Yes BAMFs might stick to their morals and be courageous, but they can be extraordinarily shitty people at times like the rest of us. Laura Roslin cheated to win an election. My current love Diane Lockhart sold her partner out to try to get a promotion. That’s why they’re so appealing to me. They’re flawed gorgeous creatures who manage to rise out of their own hopeless humanity more often than not.
Maybe you don’t feel like you have what it takes, but the best place to start is to consider what extremely shitty circumstances have helped build the person you are.
I’m growing as a writer because I get up and try when I don’t feel like it. But also because I’ve been rejected more times than notes on my most popular tumblr meme.
I’m growing in my relationships because of my willingness to take responsibility for myself. But also because I’ve stayed in bad ones even though I knew the other person never loved me and never would.
I’m growing as a BAMF because I see the qualities in amazing women I admire. But also because I missed out on important relationships with BAMFs in real life I ignored or neglected.
Tessa, I am very badly made. But I’m not finished with myself. And neither are you. Your humanness is the most important trait you will ever need to be a BAMF. And god knows we’re up to our ears in our humanness!
So keep paying attention to real and fictional BAMFs, but don’t forget to pay attention to yourself. All the ingredients are already there. Just don’t be afraid to mess up a few times along the way.
Love,
Kathleen
the best cure for a boy
June 5, 2014 § Leave a comment
Jessica writes,
I think i LOVE Luke Hemmings lol but im serious -_-
Jessica, I’m gonna be real with you. I am 29 years old and I had to google that name. I empathize with your pain but I also know the exquisite pain of finding an older lady BAMF to admire and model yourself after, so that’s what I would suggest as a cure for your teen pop angst. Luke may never love you, but you’ll damn sure love yourself if you find who you want to be like and just fucking go for it.
Best of luck,
Kathleen
Kpop or Kpooped?
April 23, 2014 § Leave a comment
Cindy asks,
I became a kpop fan girl since I know about a band from South Korea. They are not a boyband but they are adorable. And since I know them all, I started to stalk them. Like searching about their life, their pictures, their hobbies everyday. I’m happy, but I feel pain too. I don’t want to live as a kpop fangirl. Moreover I cannot sleep because of thinking of them. What should i do? I don’t want to be a fan girl anymore.
Cindy, I hear you. This is a great example of how fangirling over real life people can be one of the most painful things. I’m not that familiar with kpop, but I know the feeling of being enamored with someone who will never be a part of your life quite well. That’s why fangirling over fictional characters isn’t quite as bad. Knowing they’re not out roaming around somewhere not interested in you. Pouring over the lives of these band members gives you a temporary high. But there is no reciprocity in the relationship, so you inevitably end up hurting yourself.
Here are a few simple (or not so simple fixes) that could maybe help you.
1. Remind yourself that they are people. Celebrities are humans who have flaws. They are insecure, they feel disappointment, and they get bored and frustrated with life just like you do. They have difficult relationships with friends and family members, and sometimes they feel lonely. Being famous doesn’t make a person any less human than the rest of us. In fact, it probably exaggerates it. The person that activates your inner fangirl is probably an image that society and the media have created, and not the real person, who has both the strengths and flaws that any person would.
2. Seek out relationships with reciprocity. Have you made friendships because of your fangirling? Try engaging those people and talking about things other than the kpop band. You might find that you have more connecting you than a celebrity and make friendships that last way beyond your current obsession. I met my best friend through fangirling, and even though we don’t have a single current TV show or character in common anymore, we know we’re in each others’ lives for good.
3. Listen to your obsession. Our obsessions can often be markers for when we are anxious or upset. If you feel tempted to start trolling the web for pictures of your obsession, ask yourself, “What has happened today that might have influenced this need to disconnect from reality? What am I avoiding, and how do I engage it to improve myself?” Sometimes we fangirl for the thrill and the connection with others, but sometimes we do it to dissociate from life and all its ups and downs. The more you meet these challenges head on, the more you will be able to enjoy the time you do spend in the fangirl world.
Fangirl Dilemma – Insides and Outsides
December 14, 2013 § Leave a comment
Val asks, I have become a huuuuge fangirl…of a real person, and for some reason I feel not myself anymore when I am around her. She’s smart and goofy, has an awesome personality and badass sense of style, she’s pretty, talented/skilled (we both are pursuing arts in uni), and confident (which I struggle with). We are friends too, but I the more I have gotten to know her, the more I have come to feel like I cannot be my natural self around her. She’s generally nice to me, but sometimes I wonder why we are still friends because I can’t see what she sees in me (because she’s so much more awesome than I), and it has gotten so bad that I cannot see what’s good about myself anymore. This has become very difficult because it’s deeply affecting my self-esteem and creativity, which shows in my work. Every action and thought has some sort of consideration of what she might think of it, even when she’s not there. For some reason, knowing her has exposed all of my insecurities to myself. I was wondering if you have ever dealt with this before, and if you had any advice on how can I stop obsessing over her and start feeling like myself again.
Thanks for your question, and I hear you, Val. Sometimes we use other people as the lens for how we see ourselves, and when those people appear to be better than we are in all aspects, we slouch our shoulders and frump around, hissing at sunlight and mirrors. We compare our insides to other people’s outsides, and never measure up. I’ve never been much of a fangirl of actual celebrities, because other fangirls tend to throw around words like “perfect” and “flawless.” This bothers me when I know that even those unicorn actresses are just as broken as any other human who has to exist in relationship with other people. They’re just broken with really shiny hair, ya know? But boy do I hand my heart away to real life women who inspire me and have their shit together. I start taking my cues from them, and their outsides become the measuring tape I wrap around my own accomplishments and abilities.
Whether your friend thinks you are awesome or not won’t help you be more confident. If you’re taking your cues from anyone outside of yourself, then anxiety and other emotions will keep you from having a firm sense of who you are and what’s great about you. Self-esteem is about having faith in what motivates you and what you’re passionate about. Not about getting approval or kudos from other people. We all need praise and approval, but that shouldn’t be the leash tugging us along in our decisions.
There are no magic words I could give you to be more confident. You could recite a thousand mantras about how amazing you are, but you still might never believe it. The trick is that you have to decide who you want to be around any person, whether they are your favorite actress, your friend, or the guy on the corner selling newspapers. Building a self that doesn’t bend to circumstance means really doing some thinking about what you believe and what motivates you in life. And that means boxing up the friend-guided microscope.
So Val, who would you be if nobody ever noticed you? If every person in the world noticed you? If you’re being the real you, then there won’t be any difference between those two answers. A BAMF moves from the inside out. She doesn’t ask the world who she is. She tells them.
Kathleen
Got a fangirl dilemma? Let me know.
Fangirl Dilemma – Character Betrayal
December 13, 2013 § Leave a comment
Lauren asked, “How do you deal with being emotionally invested in a character on a show that betrays them?”
The funny thing about fangirls is that we know characters better than their creators do. Think about it. We spent hours analyzing characters. Sometimes we even write about them more than their authors, diving into omniscience as we share the thoughts and inner workings in fic that you’ll never find in a tv or movie script. So when a season takes a turn for the worse and we find our fictional loves operating like they were body snatched in their sleep and replaced with a less than BAMFy version of themselves, we demand a recount. Or a guillotine.
In preparing to answer this question I found myself thinking about what characters I feel have been betrayed by their creators. I think Lorelai Gilmore ranks at the very top of that list. If you ask me how many seasons of Gilmore Girls there are, I will tell you that there are 5. It’s like if you ask me how many Star Wars movies there are (3. There are 3.). Watching Sad Lorelai take the place of BAMFy quirky Lorelai was one of the most tragic tv downfalls I have ever had to watch. Thank you Amy Sherman Palladino, for destroying every good thing you ever did.
Oh wait, the question was how you deal with it though, it’s it? Well I guess denial is one way. Rewriting fic that corrects the mistakes is another. Arguing with other fans who agree with the changes is not. But what if you dissected the trait from the character like a game of Operation, and examined what you really find so reactive about it? You could take a good look at it and put it in a jar on your mental shelf labeled “Ways I Don’t Want to Live My Life” as a reminder. If you’re reading Fangirl Therapy and learning to pinpoint the character traits you do want to emulate, I think the bad ones are just as poignant. Choosing not to watch the bad episodes is one thing. Deciding not to live them is another. Learn from the writer’s mistakes, and be glad you are the author of your own story.
Fangirl Dilemma
December 8, 2013 § Leave a comment
Jessica writes, Help fanfiction rules my life and I can’t go a day without it! What am I supposed to do?
Jessica, I feel your pain. I’m 28 years old, but I still get motion sickness from reading fic on my iPhone on the subway. My goodreads book challenge for 2013 is 62 books behind schedule because of fic. I missed a dentist’s appointment last month because I stayed up until 2am reading a 38 chapter AU of my OTP. Fanfiction is a gigantic inconvenience, but it’s also a precious distraction from the day to day grumbles of life.
The problem with coping mechanisms is that they sometimes work too well. We start out using fic to distract ourselves from the worries that bounce around in our heads at night, and we end up using it as an excuse not to face the challenges that come our way. The goal isn’t to stop reading fic or perhaps even to decrease how much we read, but to examine what exactly is the distraction we’re trying to escape.
Over the next week pay attention to the times when you are tempted to read fanfiction or think about it. Writing a story in your head as you walk home at the end of the day is different than reading one to put off updating your resume or completing a big project. The more you use it as a distraction from opportunity, the less satisfying it will become over time. If you can figure out how to use fic as a reward for a good day of BAMFing, then you’ll be able to savor the squees like they were meant to be enjoyed.
For more fic related exercises check out chapter three in my book.
Have your own fangirl dilemma? Let me know!
Fangirl Therapy 